Princess Sparkle likes her babies shaken not stirred.

I was listening to This Week in Tech and they talked about the shaken baby app that outraged the world last week.  I though at least one of the people would say lighten up, it is just a game.  But not one did.  So in the interest of the internets...

Shaking a baby in a game is funny.  That does not mean I am going to shake baby in real life.  Just like after I play Grand Theft Auto I am not going to steal a car and after I play Pac-Man I am not going to eat ghosts and even though most people bought Wii Fit, they are not going to get in shape.  

Sooooooo, lighten up jerks who create foundations that are not needed.  I know this does not register in your little head but sometimes a game is just a game.

Legend of Zelda does still kind of make me want to rescue princesses though.

Reason 6,543 why I hate hippies.

Today we went off in search of treasure in the form of seashells.  Following a tip from a somewhat reliable source we drove as close as we could to the spot and then started to walk through the woods to the water.  I saw a squirrel and chased it.   Almost to the wonderful ocean I saw a trap.  It was some kind of statue of a lady with a huge pointy butt made out of hands hugging a tree.  We ran full boot back to our transportation and vowed to tell the internets to stay out of the woods.  And that is reason 54,345 why I hate hippies.

Stay out of the woods.

Let us not talk about today anymore.

First Jeff was out of razor blades so we had to shave with a purple Lady Bic we found in the drawer.  As soon as we were finished my normally black belt magically turned into a rainbow colored belt.  Then we went to the store and saw a mix of beef juice and tomato juice.  Then we came home and watched Journey to the Center of the Earth and thought it was not too bad.  

Strange.  Very strange.

I am not the best cook.

Today I was looking for the olive oil in the olive oil section of the shelf and came across three packets of Kool Aid.  I was planning on adding the olive oil to a jar of olives to see if I could make some kind of army of super olives.  This idea came to me after I tried and failed to make hot apples by slicing up an apple then soaking it in the juice from a jar of those hot peppers I like.  That did not turn out well but who would be better at helping me perfect my hot apple recipe than an army of super olives.  I decided to make Kool Aid as it had been quite a while since I had drank colored sweet water.  I accidentally put flour in the Kool Aid instead of the sugar.  Believe it or not, it was not half bad.  

Now all I can wonder is if Macho Man Randy Savage ripped off the Kool Aid Man or if the Kool Aid Man ripped off Macho Man Randy Savage.  I saw Macho Man Randy Savage at the 7-11 one time. 

Oh, dear!

For some months or weeks or something I have wondered what happened that made the post I like fall apart.  The whole top and sign fell off and now it is not my favorite post anymore.  I looked at the Drudge Report today and I finally have a theory as to what happened to the post. 

Swine Flu.

I hope this does not effect or affect the two piers that I like.

Oprah is a jerk.

This handsome devil lives in my garage.

He is a lizard.  He sits on pipes and wires and sometimes the wall. 

I do not know either, must have special sticky feet.

I have no idea what to buy anymore.

I now live in a world without ads.  They might try to trick me and show Jeff Probst wearing a rad safari shirt and I might want one incase I end up in the wilderness but still want to look my best incase the rescuer is hot, but I am talking about intrusive ads.  I watch all my stories about 20 minutes late so I can skip the ads and have no waiting.  I use the Ad Blocker Plus plugin for the internet so I do not see any internet ads.  I live in a ghost town so there are no bus stop bench ads or billboards.  Lastly I go to the movie 10 minutes late.  

I win, screw you ads.

Henry Hatsworth

I was almost going to write off the Nintendo DS.  I got Professor Layton after hearing good reviews.  It was horrible.  Then I got Grand Theft Auto because I heard you could beat up hookers.  It was no fun.  Then I bought Henry Hatsworth and the Puzzling Adventure after hearing good things with the intent to retire the DS if this game sucked as much as the last two.  

It is AWESOME.  There is a big fat nurse that keeps kicking my ass because I think my guy is trying to steal her old man patients gold shoes but other than that I love it.  I already got the golden pantaloons and golden pipe so I think there will be no stopping me now.  You should all go to the Henry Hatsworth website and make your desktop the picture of the effeminate gentleman that I beat up.  And then every time you look at it you can think about how awesome I am.

Grrrr

People who eat pancakes for dinner are the worst kind of people on the planet.  Although the media would like you to believe that smokers and Christians are.

I found out why our country is in a recession

Because I was hungry for pizza.  I usually eat at Beach Pizza when I am hungry for pizza because it is very close.  I do not eat at Papa Johns because it is far away.  But I decided to get Papa Johns anyway because I had not had it for quite a while.  I am used to walking to Beach Pizza then paying about twelve dollars for the pizza then walking home and eating it.  For Papa Johns I would have to have it delivered because what with hating cats and building coasters and all I am too busy to go the whole way to the Papa Johns.  So I went online and apparently any dummy can call on the phone and say who they are and get a pizza.  There is a certain level of trust in the telephone ordered pizza community.  Not in the online ordered pizza community.  This is high security stuff when you do it online.  So about a half hour later I am finally able to log in because I did not take their password system seriously last time and entered curse words and could not remember which ones so they had to email me the words.  Because the pinnacle of internet crimes is ordering someone a pizza.  So then I pick a large pizza with a topping or two.  Twenty dollars plus delivery fee plus tip.  So I am looking at twenty six or twenty seven dollars for one pizza?  And that is why our economy is failing.  All you can eat crab legs down the street costs seventeen dollars.  I have made pizza before, I know what goes into it and what the parts cost.  How is infinity crab legs cheaper than one pizza?  Soooooo, the answer to or countries economic woes is that we need the people who run Beach Pizza to advise the government on spending.  

No word on why it takes Papa Johns computer a half an hour to send an email.  

The important thing in all this is the decision on which slice of pizza to eat first.  I say the one with most toppings.  You never know when the Earth is going to crash into the sun and I for one sure do not want to have just finished the lesser slice and be looking at the better slice when it happens.

This is the most clever thing at the drug store

It is clever because it is a table and it is portable so they called it a port-table.  Now the clever thing is that by their titleing logic(i know i spelled titleing wrong but I had to because I kept giggleing when it was spelled correctly) you can also park ships at it and locals can trade their goods for goods from far away lands like Communism.  

A table 

that you can park boats there

and use it as a table 

and it can be moved?  

Sign me up.

The drug store is dumb

I goed to the drug store because Jeff goes through Icy Hot and Flexall by the case for some reason.  I think he should try Ben Gay but he says that is weird.  Down the aisle from these products is Paul from the David Letterman Show.  Just kidding, what is there are the tests the drug store has for you to doctor yourself at home.  They have them for(clockwise starting from the 5th box in on the bottom row)

Paternity, Steroids, Drugs, Drugs, Drugs, Drugs, Drugs, Alcohol and Colon Disease.  And that is why the drug store is dumb.  Tommorrrrrowww I will show you what redeemed the drugstore on this same trip.

Bonus: I do not have colon disease.  

Bonus Bonus: April fools, I listed the tests in counter-clockwise order.  ZZZZZINNNNNNNG.

This makes me uncomfortable.

Call Chris Hanson.  The local grocery store is selling seeds that apparently grow things that molest gypsies.  Now I am not the biggest fan of gypsies but I feel they should have the right to do it with whoever they want and not have to put up with these Gypsophilas.

My new diet.

I invented a new diet.  I can eat what ever I want except for the 14th of every month when I only eat things that start with the letter p.  Boy are pears stupid looking.  Speaking of stupid looking, that hump Obama called you all stupid again by accepting a purebred dog as a gift from Ted Kennedy instead of getting a dog from the pound like he said he would then concocting some story about a Washington DC family not wanting the dog so that makes it a rescued animal.  A 2,500 dollar dog does not need rescued.  That hump has to lie so much that he even lies about getting a dog.

Soooo now to the most offensive part.  The fact that he even said he wanted a rescued dog in the first place.  As if some how I am a less important dog to adopt just because my parents did not bang a bunch of random dogs and they came from a good home instead of a pound.  That is reverse dogism and I for one will not stand for it.  I think if he had half a brain he would have said he was going to get whatever dog was the best match for his family.  Then none of this sillyness would have ever needed to be discussed.  Instead he lied to the American people and ended up with a fancy dog with a stupid Whoopie Goldberg haircut.  Ted Danson would not be pleased. 

This site is about hamburgers

These are hamburgers.

So, I love when someone can not stop laughing.  I can waste any amount of time I need to by going to youtube and watching newscasters who can not stop laughing.  

SO, I love Smodcast because when Kevin Smith or Scott Mosier or one of the occasional guests tells a story and they all just laugh into the microphone for five minutes I laugh even harder at them laughing.  

Sooo, I have been listening to Adam Corolla’s podcast for a few weeks or so since he started doing it and it is very pleasant.  The guests are generally entertaining and Adam has a lot of good stories.  Then on todays episode the guest was Dicky Barrett.  The Bosstones frontman.  I thought that would be interesting.  Then it turned into the best Adam Corolla podcast ever.  Dicky is the best guest ever.  He laughs and plays off of Adam’s stories perfectly.  

SOOOO, I hope someday Adam Corolla and Dicky Barrett and Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier all do a podcast together.  In the meantime you should download this episode and listen to it.

hamburgers hamburgers hamburgers

Jesus loves eggs

For the record I think eggs are gross because I know where they come from.  Jesus on the other hand loves eggs for some reason. 

 

you can not spell Racism without ROFL

Since we have a black president racism can not be offensive anymore.  So I am trying to decide what type of racism is the funnyest.  So far it is tie between two types.  First is the obvious as seen above on the Drudge report a few days ago or in any Martin Lawrence movie such as the hilarious Big Momma’s house or the hilarious Big Momma’s House 2.  The other kind is unintentional racism.  For example the iphone game Race Wars.  I saw it in the itunes store today and thought I have to try this.  I wanted to see if I could defend El Mexico, where my ancestors came from, against whitey.  Then I installed it.  

It was race Cars.  

They should have to put that in the title somewhere. 

I HAVE TEETH AND I AM THREE

I located this shark tooth recently.  That reminds me of a funny story.  Someone we know is getting their wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning.  I am not sure if dogs have wisdom teeth.  Jeff is driving them there and picking them up.  Or so we thought.  We found out today that he has to stay there the whole time.  Why?  I guess if there is trouble during the procedure they may need to tag Jeff in to help.  What?  I wonder if they know Jeff probably does not have the proper certifications to perform or assist oral surgery in the great state of Florida.  I guess they just heard he was pretty handy with some pliers and a pocket knife.  This is stupid.  It is only supposed to take an hour so he could just bring the Nintendo Ds and easily kill an hour but I think 5 minutes in he is going to say he is getting a drink and not come back for 55 more minutes.  Fight the Power.  If Public Enemy taught me one thing it is that no one wastes Jeff’s time but me.

Today I went for a ride in our Buick

And the heat was coming out weird.  So I looked in the local telephone directory for someone that could help.  I found a listing for a ventriloquist.  I called and explained the situation.  He hung up on me.  He must only work on in the house vents.  

This is a true story.

House vent, as seen on the ceiling of my TV room.

In other news, the odometer on my camera rolled over.  

Picture 9999 was of my in my new custom made plain white v-neck t-shirt prototype.

Taxation WITHOUT Representation

Long have I believed that teachers are the biggest idiots society has to offer.  I am proven right once again.  It is already unfair that homeowners pay school tax even if they hate children because parents are not made to pay their fair share.  Now they are talking about raising my state sales tax to pay for schools.  This is not reasonable to me who has nothing to do with the school system.  Why on earth should I pay for your kids education?  How about we take away the tax cuts parents get for having kids and use all that money for schools.  That way the parents who made the choice to have kids pay for their kids instead of society subsidizing the little jerks.  How about the lazy ineffective teachers get jobs in the summer so they have to work all year like people with real jobs and use that money to pay for schools.  Noooooo, that would be fair to everyone.  Because for some reason I am responsible for your children’s education.  Not any more.  If this passes I will be buying 15% more of my taxable items from the internet so the schools will not see one single extra cent from me.  

And people wonder why I growl at kids.

I will be going number 2 in every teachers lawn and on every schoolyard I pass and not cleaning it up. 

I was going to try internet dating.

I thought I might just learn something about myself.  So I did what most any internet dater would do.  I got an old picture of myself and did some minor doctoring of that photograph so I could post it on my profile.  And that is as far as I got.  That was all I needed to learn something about myself.  I learned that I look creepy with abs.  Oh, well at least I will not have to get rig of my novelty license plate holder that says “Single and Lovin’ it!”

In other news, it was raining today so I am introducing my new It is raining outside logo for the top of my pages.  I will use this logo when ever it is raining outside and remember I have a logo for when it is raining outside or when it is raining outside raining outside for when or raining outside or for raining when it is raining outside for when rain.  HaHa you tried to read that.  Early April Fools for next year.  zing.

This smells flowery

At least this thing is still pillowy.

And in conclusion I have discovered 2 ways for my toungue to be seen.  One is to keep my mouth pretty much closed and stick my tonge out as far as I can.  The other is to leave the tuonge in and open my mouth as far as I can and then you have to look in.  I thought a third way may be possible but when I tried it i pulled a glute.

Reason 6,542 why I hate hippies.

Do not ever get these chips by accident.  They are weak like the mind of a vegetarian.  They break before I can get the delicious lime soaked things in my mouth.  

Booooooooooooooooooooo.

Dimes and pennies.

Why is someone shooting missiles over Japan?

Japan is our buddy.  Worse than that, guess what is on the other side of Japan.  That is correct.  California. 

Even the new guy’s running mate said someone would test him in the first 6 months.  I thought “what solidarity.”  Turns out that may be the only thing that ticket got right.

Say what you will about George W. Bush but he scared the crap out of The United States of America’s enemies.  So much so that the last leader of a country that was against us was found hiding in a hole in a field.  This new guy can not make companies he gave a billion dollars respect him.  Why would the bad guys not shoot missiles where ever they want?

If you mess around too much the old guy would sent the worlds bravest and best armed forces your way.  If you mess around too much the new guy will tell the ineffective and lame U.N. on you.  

At least the new guy is controlling the spending.  

Oh, wait...

Kim got me a new bed and a new shirt recently.

I could take or leave the shirt.  The bed I liked. 

Then the bed was invaded.

Not to take anything away from Sir Winston Churchill but if this bed and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, This was Princess Sparkles finest hour.

this is a nickel

i sure am glad it is not called a knickle.  i would be okay with it being called a nickle.

this is a picture of the nickel to next to a quarter for scale.

hahahaha when i took the picture for you to see the nickel to scale jeff and i laughed and laughed because everyone who knows how big a quarter is should know how big a nickel is.  kim looked at us like we are weird so we explained it to her and then she looked at us like we are weird.

I would like to melt this nickel and make it into a small statue or something to put on a shelf because our shelves have seashells and plants on them except one shelf that has a wireless router on it.  But I do not think we have any metal statues on our shelfs.  At least not on the shelfs that I am tall enough to see.  I do not like shelfs.  I do not even like benches because they are like shelfs for people.  If I could turn people into metal I could get rid of this nickel.  I will have to learn that for next year because that would be a good April Fools Day joke to play on some bus drivers. 

Quick, LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW!

THERE IS A BEAR IN YOUR FRONT YARD!?!?!\

April Fools.

ROFLLOLLOLROFL!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!

But this joke pales in comparison to one of the funniest April Fools Day jokes ever.

Dumb hippies supporting Obama like they were on the same team as evidenced by this photo of the local illegal drug accessory store and their huge Obama sign at the edge of their property.

Here is a close up of part of the above photo because it is pretty funny by itself.

And then for an even funnier joke, go to youtube and search Obama marijuana and see how funny it is you dumb potheads voted him into office because you thought he supported your dumb hobby.

ZZZZZzzzzzzziiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg.

zingzingzingzing. zing

cry hippies.

This landscaping is subpar.

Subpar I said!

APRIL FOOLS!!!

These are weeds, not landscaping!!!

ZING

In other April Fools news, we just did my annual April Fools Day call to Jeff’s Grandmother to tell her there was a bear in her front yard.  Usually she humors us and looks out the window.  This year she was not having any of it.