The TSA wants pictures of you naked for some reason. I do not feel any safer.

They have had these at Tampa for a while, but I just saw this on the news today.  This airport machine shows the pretend airport cops what the passengers look like naked.  Yet I dare you to walk into an airport completely nude.  You get a fine.  This is stupid.  You can not have it both ways airport.  You can not just do it on your terms, you have to let them be nude when ever they want to be fair.  Speaking of fair, I want nude pictures of all the security people posted next to the signs that say I can have a screwdriver but not some nail clippers.  If these creepy security people want to look at pictures of Americans nude they should have to do it on the internet like everyone else. 

But being an adorable dog, I am naked all the time so either way for me  it might not be a big deal.  What about those people who because of modesty or religion or are in a relationship and think only their boy/girlfriend should see them naked or for any other reason do not want strangers to see their boobs?  Does that make them more suspicious?  Are they not allowed to fly anymore?  This is pretty weird.  I have been across the country in a car and in an airplane in the past, but I think I will drive from now on.  Because in my car I control who sees me with and without pants.  Except for truckers, they are so high up I think they can see everything. 

Cherry is my favorite.

I had a contest with the Gulf of Mexico to see if I could grow a tomato or if she could grow a tire faster.  I saw my tomato today and ran across the street.  

We are calling it a tie, but I think the ocean cheated.

In other words if a doctor is one minute late in calling me I ask what the problem is.  There is never a good reason.  So I leave and go to one of the other eight doctors in the same strip mall.  Most people do not do that, they happily let the doctor waste their time.  But then they go to the restaurant they grumble constantly about how long everything is taking.  And the waitresses have probably a harder job to do than any of them.  I often wish things at the restaurant would take a little longer.  Especially the deciding what to order.  That is the hardest part.  I guess the point of the story is to be nicer to your waitresses.   

Socks are stuuuuupid

Jeff and I were minding our own business and in comes Kim with socks. 

The only upside is after I refused to move an inch with them on, she tried them on the cat.  The cat was maaaaad.  haha.

Really?

T.I. has to go to jail for buying a machine gun and silencer.  Guess what?  You can buy these things in a not shady way and not go to jail. He could have just got the proper permits and bought a machine gun and silencer.  I watched about 5 minutes of his TV show today.  He was saying that he is real important in keeping the kids in his family in line.  Then he saw one of the kids report card and saw she had missed some days.  He asked why.  She had been suspended for fighting.  He was surprised by this.  This is something you would know about if you were an important piece in a kid’s life.  That makes me think that he has little to nothing to do with these kids if the MTV cameras are not there.  Why would he not have them cut that part out so he did not look silly.  So maybe he will learn from all this that you have to be a good guy when no one is looking, not just when you have MTV cameras on you.  Good job court.

Shawn Johnson

Shawn Johnson just told me through ESP that she wishes this guy was wearing a shirt.

She is an adorable American hero.  I hope that guy who tried to kidnap her gets the chair.  Unless his plan was to kidnap her and give her all the cookies she wanted then let her go.  Then I applaud him.

Dream Interpretation

I looked into things after Amanda informed me that I could use the internet and various websites to gather information about dreams and this is what I heard my dream from yesterday meant.  

1. 1.Shark-I am getting excited the gulf is almost to a temperature I can swim in everyday again.  Stupid winter.
2. 2.Climbing-Cats suck.
3. 3.Ladder-I spend a lot of time looking at the grill in the back yard.  A lot of time.

I was hoping for something more prophetic.  Like how the entertaining television program Lost was going to end or where Jeff’s keys are.  Oh well, strikes and gutters, ups and downs.  

Speaking of strikes and gutters.  How rude was it that so soon after I did a post about how awesome handicapped TV personality Bobby Bird is, the leader of the free world makes fun of retarded people.  If he disagrees with me that much he could have sent an email.  He really did not have to put his rude counterpoint out there on national Tv.

For the news’ next trick, they will make 10% of all water disapper!

Dude, the news said that the county I live in recycles 90% of its water.  

Dude, I am priddy sure that more of the water is recycled somehow dude.

Otherwise, dude, the news would have us believe that 10% of the water I drink or something disappears from the earth forever somehow never to be seen again?

The news makes me grumpy dude.

It is raining. I want to go outside. Picture related.

So I am instead reading the Ashley Book of Knots.  I hate books, but I just can not put this one down.

I do not get bead head because my hair is soooooo short.  You know, like Telly Savalas or a lesbian.

I asked Kim how to spell Telly Savalas and she said “I do not know waht thet is.”  She said it in regular Kim talk, but I pretended she said it with an accent like John Malkovich in Rounders.

In other news, I love when you are in a long line of cars waiting to turn and all of the turn signals are blinking at different times, always have.   

Knots are awesome.

My Dreams

I usually do not remember dreams if I have them.  The other day I remember dreaming that there were sharks that could climb ladders.  What do you think that means?  

I think that it is because I have been playing the new Grand Theft Auto on the DS.  I never played a GTA game before.  They try to get you to do stupid little projects.  Instead I just find the fastest cars I can then jump them off the pier until cops come.  Then I shoot the cops and jump their cars off the pier.  Then they come in a cop boat and shoot me.  Talk about not fair.  I need a gun that is effective against boats.  I am going to go try to find a way to kill cops on boats now.  

I wish I could find a shark that can climb a ladder.

2 Jalapeno Peppers

For some reason seem to cost thirty seven cents fahrenheit.

Dante:  37 degrees

Randall:  In a row?

I thought I would never see 37 fahrenheit again but here it is taunting me when all I was trying to do was gather supplies for my workshop.  There is only one thing worse than 37 fahrenheit and that is ebay.  Oh, well at least Eastbound and Down is on tonight. 

TTTTTTTTT-SSSHHHHHIIIIIIRRTTT

t-shirt

I like rain once in a while

You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart

Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star

Baby cause in the dark, we can't see shiny cars

And that's when you need me there

With you I'll always share

Because

[Chorus]

When the sun shine

We'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be your friend

Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we still have each other

You can stand under my mupbrella

You can stand under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[Verse 2]

Fancy things, will never come in between

You're part of my entity, here for infinity

When the world has took it's part

When the world has dealt it's cards

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart

Because

[Chorus]

When the sun shine

We'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be your friend

Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we still have each other

You can stand under my mupbrella

You can stand under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[Bridge]

You can run into my arms

It's okay don't be alarmed

(Come into me)

(There's no distance in between our love)

So go on and let the rain pour

I'll be all you need and more

Because... 

[Chorus]

When the sun shine

We'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be your friend

Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we still have each other

You can stand under my mupbrella

You can stand under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my mupbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

It's raining (raining)

Ooo baby it's raining

Baby come into me

Come into me

It's raining (raining)

Ooo baby it's raining

You can always come into me

Come into me

It's pouring rain (pouring rain)

Ooo baby come into me

I wonder how much I can get for a used cat.

Today and tomorrow is a town wide garage sale in our town.  I thought I would be barking out my window at jerks all day but there was not much activity.  I used this time to nap instead.  I do not understand garage sales.  Jeff likes old American made pocket knives.  Garage sales would probably be a source for them.  But we just can not go into a strangers driveway and say “Hey I am going to look at all this stuff you are going to otherwise throw away tomorrow and maybe give you some dollars and quarters for it.”  I think that is weird.  

In other news I want to squeeak that chicken but I believe that removing said chicken may cause that pillow to bonk me in the head.

First I was like this

first i was like this

then i did this

and i held this pose

and then i had to really focus for my special move

TA-DA!

Ummm...

I am Awesome.

show off

You are a speed hump.

My tomato plant has some hairy flowers on it.

This makes me grumpy.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Four Leaf My Ass.

Especially at the Fort Knox Lounge, home of the 5 or 7 leaf clover for some reason.  I can not believe I have been lied to by the clover industry for soooooo long.  They seem so honest what with their free pots of gold and all.  

Reinforced for safety

Mary Lou Retton.

From Home Depot, I purchased six of these small tomato factories.  I was led to believe that with proper care they will produce some tomatoes each.  I am very excited.  This should be an eventful summer.  I am still up in the air about whether I like tomatoes or not.  I do not know if it will be a great summer where I am saying how awesome it is to have all these great tomatoes around or if I decide I do not like tomatoes and walk around cursing the day I got these tomato machines and why is there no off switch and why will they not just die.

Or birds will eat them or the plants will die and I will not have to worry about any of this.

TOMATOES:

Pros:

common

round

sounds like potato 

potatoes remind me of an amusing story about ex-vice-president Dan Quale

Cons:

dumb texture

dumb taste

I am not sure if it is a fruit or a vegetable

red

I think they die every year, so the seeds make plants so they never meet their kids.  Tomatoes seem to be the deadbeat dad of the fruit or vegetable world.

This is all too much.  I am going to go give the finger to a jar of spaghetti sauce.

The race for most unflattering pants of 2009 is on, good luck everyone.

ring ring

hello

hey honey, i am going to be on tv today

that is great dear

yeah next to a boat
wait what pants are you wearing?  not those blue ones?

click