Drawbridges.

Today I was stopped at the drawbridge waiting for some boat to drive under.  There was an ambulance also stopped waiting for the bridge to close so we could drive over it.  The ambulance’s lights were flashing.  It was headed towards the beach so it was going to save someone as there is no hospital on the beach for it to be taking someone to.  

How screwed up is that.  Someone might be dead now because the ambulance could not get to them on time because some jerk wanted to have his yacht home for lunch.  

No one with a working boat in that water has a big mast.  Fishing boats can go under that bridge without it opening.  Small fast fun boats with kids in them can go under with no problem.   The only boats that need it opened are for old insecure men who wear pink polo shirts and refer to themselves as captain when on their private boat and no one else does.  Why on earth does the local government not cut the cost of the drawbridge out and make the jerks install retractable masts if they want to go under the bridge?  I know why.  Because that would make sense.  Then no motorcycles let alone emergency vehicles would have to wait for the boats to pass.

Look at the size of that gear that opens the bridge.  It has to be at least 30 Princess Sparkles high.  If we sold that gear the community could afford a dunk tank like at a carnival except it would be for dunking cats. 

So from all this we lear that people who have yachts are murderers and people who have fishing boats are awesome because I like to eat fish.  And cats suck.

2nd draft coaster preview

This one is almost done.  With AWCL in the right ear made of metal for rusting purposes.  More details to come.

Pic Unrelated

http://www.baynews9.com/content/89/2009/2/27/442561.html?title=Calif.+aquarium+blames+flooding+on+curious+octopus

I am not sure what gregarious means but I like octopuses.  This one is especially rad.  Speaking of octopuses, I hope the 8 baby lady with 14 kids gets hit in her ugly face with a bus. 

A bus made out of jagger bushes.

I gave up.

I gave up and just got a new Ipod touch today.  Everyone else should be happy because this greatly increases the chances that they will come out with a new one tomorrow that takes pictures and goes to space.  The upside of having the new ipod is Jeff stares at it more and his phone less.  We had been using Kim’s Ipod for a while and there is nothing to look at on it.  The upside of looking at the phone so much lately is we found out it has gps.  The downside of finding out it has a gps was finding out that I am so slow on my walks the gps will not record my speed.  I thought I was going to break a chihuahua land speed record and brag.  Turns out I am pretty slow day to day.  I am going to go to the beach where I can get up a full head of steam and see if I can get a better result.  Otherwise I am going to have to build one of those rocket cars Evel Knievel, God rest his soul, used to jump Snake River Canyon.  I hope the beach works out because we all know how that rocket car thing turned out.

I do not like tricks

Pretend you just saw a video of me fighting a dinosaur puppet and then the puppet ends up on my head.

I fall for the old treat in the puppet then when you get the treat the puppet sticks on your heat a little bit and then if you freeze the video I look like some kind of half dog half dinosaur type thing every time.

I caught a sand collection ruiner in the act.

How is my inside beach for when it is cold ever going to get finished.  I am also mad about how much the stupid cat sheds on the future location of my inside beach.  That is gross.

I wish that this stuffed thing would turn into a big plate of ribs and wings and then some of those wet napkins in the little foil package for when you are done with ribs and wings then when I open my eyes I will eat the ribs and wings and then I like to use the corners of the packets that the napkins come in to make sure there are no rib or wing pieces left in my teeth but do not worry I do that in the restroom or it would be waaaayyy grosser. 

And GO....

...

damn it.

A new hero is born.

I was concerned on January 24th of this year because we found a step counter in Kim’s cereal that had less than 500 steps on it.  I am now much more concerned.  We found another one that has 2149 steps on it.  It is a little comforting that the cereal factory is getting further away.  That comfort is overshadowed by the fact that the cereal factory can move.  

The moving cereal factory is too dangerous to let live.  I pledge to destroy this cereal factory so children do not have to live in fear of opening a cereal box and finding a step counter that says 1.  Then they turn around and the moving cereal factory is right behind them and SQUISH.  

Fade to black.

Like the apple ever had a chance.

Vegetarians are dumb.

Sunsets do not offend me.

But this does.

And it is in my bathroom.  Rainkissed Leaves is not a flavor.  

This bird is a jerk.

Is it me

or has Yahoo been very patronizing lately.  I am going to try searching for very small screws.  

If it tells me to also try very very small screws or veeerrrrrrrrryyyy small screws I am going to find this Yahoo and punch it in the throat.

Today I tried to mail the cat.

But I could not find any stamps.  Kim hides them from Jeff and me ever since “the incident.”  This sucks because I know she just bought a whole bunch because the price is going up.  I do not know if she realizes it but from what I understand they are only going up 2 cents.  Call me crazy but I am going to wait it out and eat the two cents when I have to mail something again in six months.  I am listening to Kim’s ipod nano right now.  I need to get a new ipod.  My ipod touch was just too fragile for the likes of me apparently.  

It broke once and Apple replaced it under warranty.  Then it broke again last week and there is no warranty left.  I bought the parts to fix it from Ebay and yesterday we took it apart and replaced the glass and digitizer.  Here is the big surprise.  It works after we put it back together, but I really do not want to buy parts and fix this thing every couple of months.  I think it is time to get something more durable for my daily music and podcast listening.  

I have trouble with decisions.  You should see me try to order dinner. 

I look at the ipod lineup and do not know what to do.  The touch breaks too easy.  I want flash memory over a hard drive so the classic is out.  The shuffle is just stupid.  The nano is girly but the only option in the ipod line I can consider.  But the ones the sell now has the absolute worst feature ever to be put in an ipod.  The when I am trying to change a song it switches to that stupid album view feature.  I wish that feature would die in a fire.  I tried to look at other companies but they all seem pretty unimpressive.  I am going to do some more research before I commit but it looks like a nano, at least they make it in pink.

That cat is lucky.

No New Pennies.

I spoke about these pennies before.  They seem to be on their way now.

The U.S. Mint says we will be seeing the new pennies soon.  The new penny is to celebrate the bicentennial of Lincoln or something.  I know a ploy to legalize gay marriage when I see it. 

Bi means someone does stuff with boys and girls

cent means penny

ennial must be a code word for marriage.

Bicentennial=Gay penny marriage.

Here is my plan.  There can be marriage, man and woman.  Garriage, woman and women.  And finally Fairriage, man and man.  Problem Solved.  And we do not need new pennies.  And I will start a sentence with and whenever I feel like it. 

I would have just bit Jason in the butt. Problem Solved.

I saw the new Friday the 13th yesterday.  I did not enjoy the movie so much because I do not care for horror movies unless they have zombies or Buffy the vampire slayer or cats in them.  My biggest problem was early on Jason killed a lady by putting her in a sleeping bag and hanging the bag a foot over a fire.  That is no way to kill a person.  Even if the person was too dumb to unzip the bag, what kind of industrial strength zippers do they put in sleeping bags.  The zipper on my backpack exploded when I tried to zip it shut with my blanket and 18 toys inside.  Yet I am expected to believe she has some kind of super zipper that hold a 6 hundred pound lady.  I am estimating her weight at 600 pounds because sometimes she took up most of the movie screen so in real life she must be about 20 feet tall.  So even if the zipper does not break the material would burn through and she would fall in the fire and roll out and be burnt a little, but alive.  Not in this film.  She fell out and was dead.  I wish the movie making folks would stop filling my movies with lies.  I spent most of the rest of the movie thinking about what I would do if I were in a sleeping bag over a fire.  

I would get out.  

On the upside, if you see the movie you can go read that hump Ebert’s review after and laugh at how he is not very good at reviewing movies. 

Cupid made me fall in love.

With the best movie ever.  Fool’s Gold.  It is very similar to what Jeff and I did last weekend.  This movie was almost perfect.  It had the ocean and Theo from the Cosby Show and treasure and gay chef’s and guns and the crazy old guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and boats and girls in bikinis and even that hump Matthew McConaughey.  Usually I do not like him but he was good in this.  I wish he would have ended up with the dark haired girl instead of the annoying one though.  Oh, well that is why I said almost perfect.  Go watch it I said.

Growlentines Day

Patrick Swayze will not stop staring at Mischa Barton. 

Who knows what happened.

Today I had to be extra careful.  This bird obviously had plans to get my neighbor, Frank.  Today is Frank’s birthday.  We got him a card.  And by we I mean Kim bought it and Jeff and I took the credit.  Teamwork gets the job done.  I do not know what the bird would have done after it got him but I bet it would not have been pretty.  I picture it happening like that ghost bird that stole the lady in Conan the Destroyer.  And I do not have a sword to break all those mirrors.  So I was just waiting to bark and scare the bird so It would drop Frank.  What kind of bird abducts a guy on his birthday?  Then Divorce Court came on and it looked like a good one so I watched that instead.  I just looked outside now and I do not see either one of them.  I hope it all turned out well.

And it was foggy when I took the picture so I added the happy sun to brighten everyones day.  The fog is gone now so everyone can relax. 

Today it was foggy

Fog is stupid.  I do not really understand fog and since science has yet to explain what it is I guess It is evil spirits that affect or effect my vision and make town more spooky for a day.  

Fog is a stupid weather, it is not good at its job.  When it is cold outside the house it would be cold inside except we have a machine that produces heat that fights the cold and then it is warm in the house.  We do not have any fog fighting machine, and there is no fog in our house.  Cold is way tougher than you fog, just give up already.  I do not even know if there is a such machine that fights fog.  I guess the closest thing would be a dehumidifier and I think only people with basements have those and there are no basements where I live because the water table is too high.  I want to build a house out of Legos that is big enough to live in.  When I do I am going to put a basement in any way.  Then when salt water seeps in all I have to do is put some sand and margaritas and rusty posts down there and I will have my own private basement beach.  Like when Alf built the lagoon on the television program of the same name.  

If I were interested in arson I would probably be into fog.  You could probably get half a neighborhood to the ground before the other half knew what happened because that would be the dumb half of the neighborhood and they would just be standing around looking at each other saying “boy, this fog smells like smoke today.”

And to make matters worse that cat was sitting in my window.

I love Celery

pretend you have just seen a video of me eating some celery.

A sad day.

Look at my favorite rusty post above in all the rusted warning safety glory.  I liked this post for some years, because it is awesome.  It is for safety but it is sharp and rusty and dangerous.  If you look at it wrong you need a tetanus shot but it is for safety.  

It is not for safety anymore.  Today the top rusted off and fell in the ocean.  That post and I had some good times.  Nothing lasts forever, but I am taking this pretty hard.  I do like Cabo Wabo though and that helps.

I was in stupid no ocean having Orlando today.

And oh how I hate going inland.  I have to stay on the coasts because if you make one wrong turn  inland.  Boom.  Death by dinosaur.  And not even on a back road, right on the highway.  I would have thought the traffic would scare them.  I am sooooo never going anywhere where I can not smell the ocean again.  They did have hamburgers there.  I turned the hamburger picture upside down for more entertainment.

This bird stands on one foot.

While his friend only a few posts down (I entered some Coke rewards codes a while ago because I thought it was funny.  There is a down side.  I used my points to enter some drawings.  The drawings were for odd things that I never wanted really.  Ever since I found out I could have the possibility of winning these products I feel I need them.  So now ever since I entered these code I feel like I need a laser rangefinder.  Everyday I see stuff and have no real solid idea about how far away I am from it.  It is driving me crazy that I have no idea if some tree is 100 yards or 120 yards away.  I sure hope I win that rangefinder.  Not to mention the fun I could have with the medicine ball set or the portable generator.) stands on one foot.

Today I learned to save time.

By doing my interneting while I sleep.

Oven mitts.

If you find one you can trust consider yourself lucky.

Coaster testing

Today I did some coaster testing.  I like how this one is shaped like my head.  It has the metal ear for condensation collecting and another ear shaped compartment for a pocket knife.  The pocket knife is for cutting up treats and bones to Sparkle sized pieces and the metal is for rusting.  The actual drink surface it tilted slightly towards the slot that leads to the metal ear for proper drainage.

Over all the coaster is about the same size as me.  When summer comes I think it will float enough that I can sit on it and paddle beside Jeff when he swims in the ocean.  That way I get exercise, but fish can not bite my butt.

And then I got bored with the tests and decided to chew on the level.

Then Jeff took the level because who knows what that yellow liquid is.  I chewed on a Sharpie instead because we all know nothing bad could come of that. 

I just heard the audio from the plane that fell in the river a while ago.  I like that pilot, he was pretty calm for landing a plane in a river.  Even the pilot that flew Indiana Jones out of the jungle was not that calm.  And his plane was made to ride on the water.  But in fairness there were no natives shooting poison things at the Hudson river guy.  Then Indiana Jones was scared because there was a snake in the plane.  I wonder if that is were they got the idea for that stupid Snakes on a Plane movie. 

Vh1 has phones with cords on them.

I have never seen a phone with a cord on it in real life.  I guess they did not want to spend the big bucks on the ex-child-stars.  This show amuses me but I wish Luke Perry was on it.  Tonight is the season finale of the dating twins story, Double Shot of Love.  On second thought I wish Luke Perry was on that.  On third thought the shows are fine as is, I wish I could fly.  But it is too cold high in the air, so maybe I would not ever fly.  I guess everything is just fine as it is as far as reality tv and my powers of flight go.  That is kind of comforting.  The guy from the Grind needs a haircut.