Wristcutters: A Love Story

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

GO WATCH IT OR ELSE.

Bad Stripper.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The other day I had some really good paint stripper that made me believe that God made it.  It was form Home Depot.  Today I bought some different paint stripper from Ace Hardware because it was closer.  This paint stripper does not work so good.  Who knew?  God does not develop product lines for just anyone.  Maybe that is why some pickles are delicious and some pickles are the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I think the cat may be part halibut. 

new tricks

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Some other dog showed off in front of Kim and she thinks I should use this bell for tricks.  So she gave me and Jeff this bell to practice.  It took a lot of treats and breaks, but I already learned Stand by the Bell and Lay by the Bell.  I think next week we are going to try Sniff the Bell.  I hope I do not pull a muscle.

This is some weird bird.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

In other news, I found proof that god exists.  I used some of that foaming spray on paint stripper earlier this evening.  Incredible.  No man could ever have harnessed this kind of power.

This is much too precise.

Friday, September 25, 2009

That is all.

Today I went shopping.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I needed some puppy pads.  I could either go to Target or Wal-Mart as I was passing them both.  I decided to try Target because I though there would be less swine flu in there.  There was still some.  I think that pigs invented their flu to get back at women.  They are mad because 95% of women either like monkeys or horses.  Only 2% like pigs.  So they invented swine flu to kill women.  Stupid women.  They could at least pretend to like pigs.

Princess Sparkle’s Guide to Happiness

Step 1: Wake up, go for walk, eat, fight hat.

Step 2: Go to beach

Step 3: ????

Step 4: Profit

Sometimes you say Hey Pelican, today might not be your day to sit comfortably on the rope.

Pretend there is still a video of a pelican trying to balance on an rope here.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

But this pelican is not going to take no for an answer.  Even if the other birds stare at him like he is an idiot.  This pelican has heart.  They should make a bud light commercial about this pelican.  Although truth be told I probably would have just sat on the pile.

I could do without Dwight Yokam existing.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I used to wish I was a superhero so that I could spend more time fighting against Ronnie James Dio.  I consider him my arch enemy.  I also am cursed with the curse of having to try food that seems funny.  I tried these chicken things.  Now I wish I was a superhero so I could fight Ronnie James Dio and Dwight Yokam. 

Bike Lock

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Today we found this bike lock that we could not remember the combination to.  I decided to just go through them all starting from 1111 and going up towards 6666.  It took a whole episode of survivor to find it.  6665.  Damn it.  At least I know if I ever am in desperate need of transportation I can have the closest locked bike in 42 minutes or less.

9/18/09

9/18/09

these birds.

This is me.

This is me.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

And this is the cat.

Princess Sparkle is really happy for you and she is going to let you finish but the VMAs are not very good tv.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I saw nothing that impressed me.  Can we mention that Mike Jackson probably gave little kids wine and touched their junk when we are dedicating everything on the show to him.

Kanye is a big idiot.  Lady Gaga is weird.

Also, How embarrassing that the Green Day guy and Ozzy’s daughter showed up with the exact same hair and clothing style.  And face and singing talent.

Stupid Pancreases.

LLLLLLLLIIIBBEERRRRTTTAAAAADddddd.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being happy and 1 being sad I am about a 5.5 that there is a place called Libertad in  El Salvador.  This level of happiness would go up if they changed the name to Libertyad or if they made me the boss of that place.  I would make my city the number one exporter of those colorful woven Mexican pullover things.

Jerks

Go to YouTube and Watch Dave Letterman's reflections after 9/11.

Tyra without her wig

Friday, September 11, 2009

Some one made a big deal about Tyra without her wig.  I looked for a photo of what they were talking about.  I do not know what the big deal was.  Looks just like I thought it would.

Princess Sparkle’s Gas Tips

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Screw those humps for taking the little lever off the gas pump handle that makes it stay in so you do not have to hold it in the whole time.  I like to jam the car’s gas cap in the pump handle so that i do not have to hold it in.  Then I stroll around confidently while the other gas buyers have to stay right there and hold theirs in.  Dummies.

And the reason I went so far away....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Craigslist’s motto should be Ebay for crazy people.  About a week ago Jeff and Kim decided that neither of them had ridden a bicycle for 15 or so years and it was about time they did.  But there would be rules.  Any bicycle style that anyone has ever worn spandex on was ruled out.  Kim’s main rule was that her bike would have a banana seat.  Jeff’s main rule was that his would be a bmx bike and there would be a basket for me added.  And he would take off and throw away the brakes.  

Anyway after the guy at the local bike shop said they did not really make Kim’s style of bike anymore Jeff checked craigslist.  There was one listed for 20$.  We promptly bought it off of the woman after hearing about her lowrider car she bought to go to concerts and how her interview at the strip club went earlier that day.  She was very nice.  

So now we have one banana seat down one bmx and one basket to go.  

In other news, I hate all this talk about what does Santa do if there is a house with no chimney.  The jerk can deliver toys to every good kid in the world in one night and has flying deer things helping him?  He is obviously using some kind of stupid magic.  Like he could not just use the magic to make a temporary chimney on the house.  

I really hope the bike lady gets the job at the strip club.

Today I went 52 miles away from my house.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I usually go 1-2 miles from my house but sometimes I go as many as 6 miles away.  Today I went 52 miles away.  It was weird there.

Never have I been happier that I fit in the sink.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

That is the neighbor’s dog and the neighbors and a hose and some water.  The water is punching the dog in the face.  Stupid water.

The Pittsburgh Pirates.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

One time on a plane from where we live to Pittsburgh Jeff was wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates hat.  We really have never watched a baseball game and could not name a single baseball player unless they did something else too.  Like Darryl Strawberry did coke and Jose Canseco was on the Simpsons.  Anyway there were a bunch of well dressed guys on the plane.  Every old man that passed us looked at us then looked at them then smiled real big and said how luck we are and this must be very exciting.  Some of the well dressed guys smiled at us and some of them shook Jeff’s hand.  I figured it was just because I was so cute.  Eventually we figured out those guys were the Pittsburgh Pirates and they train by where we live.  It was all very uncomfortable and we threw that hat away and stay away from sports logos now.

All in all I guess there are worse reasons for a group of well dressed older men to smile at you other than they are the Pittsburgh Pirates, but off the top of my head I can not think of any.

Reason number 6545 why I hate hippies.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Their lies about it being important to save paper have created such a backwards world that I will be charged $1.50 to get a bill.  T-mobile has informed me that they are going to start charging me to send me a bill and I have never been so offended in my life.  I am okay with paying for services I use, but being charged to be charged for services I use all of a sudden is a little too much like them introducing a pleasure of doing business with us tax.  I do already pay my bill with them online, but I like the paper reminder to go online and pay my bill.  I guess I will just pay their new pleasure of us charging you for services tax until my contract is up.  I have been looking for an excuse to switch to an iphone anyway.  

And to anyone that thinks it is good to save paper, I hope a guy whose town stinks because they make paper there and he is not going to have a job because you do not use paper anymore punches you in the face.  Hard enough that you die.

Stupid brick roads are stupid.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I have never seen a nice one, they are always crooked and bumpy and messed up.  Why would anyone prefer this to pavement.  I will tell you why, because they are dumb.  

This brick road leads to a hospital.  Why would you want a smooth road to get broken people from places where they break to places where they get fixed?  This seems not only stupid to have this road here, but kind of mean.  

We were at this hospital because we drove someone we know there to have a surgery.  While they were getting chopped up we milled around to see what the other bored drivers were doing.  Most were either going to church at the special hospital church or standing outside smoking.  Smoking and churching are activities similar in that if you are not really into that activity you can not comprehend why someone would want to do that to themselves.

True Blood is almost over.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

And I am getting mad.  Not only do I still think that Sam should turn into a dinosaur and step on the jerks, but I am starting to think these vampires are not realistic.  They are always eating blood and they are messy about it.  Then they never have stains on their shirts.  I know you do not just wash blood right out.  It leaves a stain.  So they either buy a new shirt every time they eat someone or they have special laundry secrets.  I wish the producers would address this.