Sparkle vs. Art 4

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sorry, pal.  If the only skill you need to create somthing is owning a ruler, it is not very good. 

Liberty vs. Art 3

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Who wears a jacket to go pitchforking?  This jerk I guess.  Maybe he is not thinking straight because his wife looks so mean.  I think Jeff was in line in front of these people at the salad bar near our house.  That was a while ago though.  We currently boycott salad unless it has meat in it.  

And hot sauce.  

And no lettuce.  

And nothing else except celery.  

Boy am I hungary for wings.  I will be next door at the bar if anyone needs me.

Liberty vs. Paintings 2

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Someone must be trying to get this guy to go to the vet.

Liberty vs. Paintings

Monday, January 28, 2008

Today starts another theme week.  This week is going to be Liberty Vs. Art week.  I plan on giving my honest opinions of some famous paintings.  Jeff had an art class in college that he mostly slept through.  I do not think he will be much help.  I started with this painting because I saw it in The Freshman.  The Freshman had Matthew Broderick in it.  That was a scary movie.  If I ever see a lizard that big in real life I hope there is a puppy pad close by.  Another reason for choosing this painting to look at is that I used to know a heavy metal guy who looked just like this.  That being said, I do not like it. 

I live in a tree

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Jeff finally admitted I live in a tree.  Game,  set, match, Sparkle.

Creamy Italian Dressing, I guess nothing lasts forever.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I put up my lists today.  Most important item-creamy italian dressing.  Sometimes when I have a nightmare, to calm me down Jeff tells me a story.  My favorite one is about his youth.  A time when you could walk into a store and stand before creamy italian dressing.  Creamy italian dressing the luxuriant color of my fur as far as the eye can see.  You could even sit down in a Pizza Hut and have a salad with creamy italian dressing before your pizza.  Ronald Reagan was President then, he may have had something to do with it.  Makes me feel good.  Then I can sleep again. 

Skiing

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I went skiing today.  It is winter, I do not like cold.  This is my worst nightmare.  From what I understand you take a very cold ride up a mountain in a chair with one friend and one stranger.  Your only defense is the flask of whiskey you are not supposed to have.  Then you begin a long slightly controlled fall back down the mountain.  Then you repeat, each time with a slightly more wet seat of your pants.  I saw a story about the Olympics on the television.  They have to give out precious metals to get people to participate in this sport.  Being that precious metals generally trade at a high price and treats are not free, I decided to try my hand at skiing.  I have four feet.  I got to this awful place and get this, these people are paying for this.  I laughed and laughed at them.  Then I went home because there is a lot of glare here and my head and sunglasses do not mix.  Skiing is so dumb I feel I should put it on my list of things that smell bad, even though there really is no smell associated with it.  I will start a new list.  It will have a good, impartial, bad and smelly column.  It will help me keep track of all this.  Then I am going to Graceland.

Water park

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Why can I not go anywhere where there is water without seeing a Canadian in a Speedo.  Jeff has been known to wear a Speedo, but strictly for comedic value and he is not Canadian.  And for the record he was not kicked out of Canada that time, he was asked politely to leave.  I used to have my own pool in Florida.  There are no pools in Arizona.  The local government has outlawed them.  It seems people were getting wet in them and moisture is against the rules here.  The only things allowed in Arizona are extremely dry things.  Try to season a humidor here, I dare you.  This place is lame.  Maybe we will get back to Florida soon.  Really soon?  And the shoes with wheels in them are the reason 9 out of 10 kids are fat.

If you kids have shoes with wheels in them be aware others want them to die.

Saturday, January 19, 2008
I was out of carrots and Jeff was out of celery so we went to the local grocery store.  I would like to see a rule made.  I do not like a lot of rules but I believe this one needs to be put in place.  This is how I would like to see it work.  If you are in a store and you see one of those kids on wheels it is your duty as an American to punch that kid in the face as hard as you can.  Doing so will get you 10% off your total purchases that day at that establishment.  More importantly you should punch their parent as well.  If you knock the parent down with this punch you are then entitled to their wallet and it’s contents.  Thank you for your support.

South of the Border

Friday, January 18, 2008

Talk about marketing.  I hate fireworks like most dogs but still bought some bottle rockets.  It was the giant Mexican that did it for me.  Look at that guy, he is so big you can drive a car through his legs.  You do not get that big by being stupid.  He sells fireworks, I buy fireworks.  These rockets better have red glare.  I heard about that at the sporting event I went to.  I can not wait to see it.  South of the Border is the best tourist trap I know of.  What I like best about it is that most restaurants south of South of the Border give you biscuits when you order dinner.  So if you can figure out where you are in relation to South of the Border you can figure out if you are likely to get a biscuit or not with your meal at a local restaurant.  There is no giant alligator from what I can tell, do not fall for it.  Ghostbusters is on our television, there is a lot of cigarette smoking in this movie.  That is kind of refreshing.  My point is it is nice to see a time when people's personal freedom was respected.  It hurts to see our government try to stop people from participating in a completely legal practice.  We live in a free market society.  If a non-smoking bar was needed in our society, someone would create one, steal a lot of business from smoking bars, and make a mint.  Why would someone with any common sense waste time and money legislating something that economics would take care of anyway.

Shooting Range

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

At the gun range today.  I like guns because they are an easy way to kill jerks.  It is loud in here.  Not loud like Jeff's favorite hawaiian shirts.  Loud that hurts my ears, like rednecks on their stupid walkie talkie cell phone things in stores.  I can not figure out sound deadening with ears like these.  The earmuff things just push my ears together into a point above my head.  Regular ear plugs are too small.  I already lost 3 somewhere in there.  I can hear them moving around when I bite things and shake my head.  I want a gun with a silencer but you have to pay some expensive tax I think.  I guess the only solution is to shoot guns outside from now on like people who live in Tempe on new years eve.  

Bowling?

Monday, January 14, 2008

Food bowl? Water bowl?  False Advertising, I do not see either.  I hope someone gets fired for this. 

Church

Friday, January 11, 2008

Holy cow this is a long skinny church.  Not much of a turnout today either.  Must not be Christmas or Easter.  I need a calendar.  Am I allowed to say holy cow in church?  I was led to believe there would be wine here.  I hope it is not Night Train.  That is the only kind of wine I have had so far and it was not very delicious.  My reason for coming here was to find out who God was voting for.  With all this election talk I want to make sure I know who is the best choice.  He is undecided.  I am voting for either Ross Perot or an evil robot.  Church is kind of fun, I can not wait until the part where everyone shakes hands.  I have been preparing for that my whole life. 

Call the Vet, I think this thing needs more shots.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I am still by those triangles.  This beach is too big.  Today I walked for 10 minutes and still was not at the water.  My radiators are cooling me properly so I decided to stay here for an extra entry into my blog.  Even though I do not like the cold I may come back here this winter to sled ride on these triangles.

I usually do not stay in the same place for too many days in a row for security reasons.  I had to stick around to talk about this.  I apologize and take back everything I said about that cow.  Get a good look at this jerk.  I would take a cow for a neighbor over this weirdo any day.  Kind of makes me want to smoke though. 

The great pyramids

Monday, January 7, 2008

Pyramid my ass.  I know a triangle when I see one.

My first retraction

Sunday, January 6, 2008

After much consideration I have decided 1 and 10 are probably easier to multiply things by than 5.  Sorry for any confusion.  100 is probably easy too, but I do not know that many things.

And a chupacabra with a cell phone went as expected.  It  did not know what to do with it. 

Farm

Saturday, January 5, 2008

For a long time I have thought about chupacabras every day.  There is a movie on right now called Chupacabra Terror.  It is not very good.  I would still like to think about chupacabra every day, but I do not think it will be as fun after seeing this movie.  Later I am going to think about a chupacabra with a cell phone an see how that goes.  

Also, Jeff keeps calling me crazy 8s for no apparent reason the last few days.  I would prefer to be called crazy 5s because 5 is the easiest number to multiply things by.  

Anyway, I traveled to a farm today.  

I am keeping a list of things that smell bad.  so far it looks like this:

1. elephants, do not go to circus anymore

2. farms, do not do to anymore farms

Wow that thing in the pic sure is one unattractive character. Glad I do not have to look at that goofball everyday.  Nice earrings Jerk.  Run, I think it heard me.

Jail

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Since the holiday season is more about D.U.I.s than anything else I thought I would check out prison now that the holidays are over and it is safe.  Orange does not go with my spots, but apparently they let you have accordians.  This reminds me of the time I first came home and Kim thought she could contain me in a cage.  My adorableness is unaffected by captivity.  I was not in there for more than five minutes before Jeff broke me out.  That reminds me of the time Kim tried to put up one of those kid gates to keep me in the kitchen.  I climbed over it.  No one is sure how it was possible. But I landed pretty hard on the other side.  Jeff took the gate down for safety reasons.  Stupid gate.  On the way here I listened to Frank Black.  The record was Teenager of the Year.  The Pixies are okay, but this record is really good.  I hope some day I can be teenager of the year.  I think Frank was like 40 when this record was released.  I do not want to wait until I am 40 to get a tiara and flowers like he did.  Nevermind. No Prison can hold me.  Jeff, if you are reading this smuggle me a taco from Taco del Mar or a steak sub from Subway with a file inside.  My nails are getting too long.  Then break me out of here.

THIS IS A REAL BALOON, HONEST

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I did not realize we had the advertising budget for this.  It is good to stand up for a cause.  I am against people drinking before sporting events and it is time the world knew it.  Sneak in a flask and drink during the event like a real American.   

Now I wish this jerk would quit following so closely behind me...

Happy New Year Jerk

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The good news is there is no picture of me with a lampshade on my head today.  The bad news is I decided to try out watching sports today.  Wow.  If I wanted to see this many guys in tight pants bumping into each other I would hang out with an entirely different crowd.  I am surprised they were not playing Cher music in the background.