I am sooooo confused

I made the mistake of watching the MTV movie awards on the same day I had watched the Breakfast Club.  First I saw the boy star be the rough around the edges type and the girl star be all made up.  Then I saw those Twilight people.  The boys were all gay and pretty and the girl was a weird slob.  Come on.  I do not care what your character is, run a comb through your hair if you are going to be on TV.  

But it was all worth it because I got to see them lower an angel wearing a jock strap on to Eminem’s face.  The angels junk was pretty much touching Eminem’s mouth.  Eminem is a tool.  If that was not a joke and he was not in on it I will forever love MTV for messing with Eminem so bad that the little baby got up and left.  Unfortunately He will probably release another album, adding MTV to the list of people he wants us all to know did not love him. 

I am still THREE. I do not understand.

I agree with how Nofx hates hippies but I disagree with how they wish someone happy birthday.  Someone should tell them they would catch more flies with honey.

go to youtube and listen to nofx's happy birthday song

This is a 3/4 eaten sub from Publix

Today Jeff was eating this and at about this amount of finishedness he cave me a section of the ham from this sandwich.  I reached up to get it and Jeff must have thought I had it earlier that I actually did and let go of the ham.  The ham did not go into my mouth.  It landed on my back.  I could not reach it.  I spun around in a circle three times trying to get it and that did not help.  Finally Jeff took it off and I ate it.  This whole series of events was not funny at all.

M.A.D.D. are a bunch of idiots and they smell bad and are stupid heads.

Watch the o.j. chase on youtube.

I am posting this remotely.  Today, not too long ago there was a rum and coke left within my reach.  I am now driving erratically.  It is awesome.  Good luck.

I am very fast.

Today we obtained a nike+ sensor and some shoes to test my daily walks.  This is the data for my afternoon walk.  I will have to do some math to figure out the real numbers.  My pace should be faster because this does not factor in pee and smelling things breaks or the 3 minutes I spent barking at the neighbor, Jim when he rode his bike by and stopped to talk.  The calories may be a little higher because I think the barking burnt some that were not included.  Also this machine is kind of a jerk.  I mean come on who would it have hurt to just give me an even half mile.

The good news is that one serving of JujuBees is 52 pieces and 110 calories.  I take 2 walks daily now.  If I can work that up to 4 I can eat 52 jujubees a day and still fit into my skinny jeans. 

I have ears!

I have ears.  I know this because I can hear when people talk.  If I did not have ears it would just look like they were chewing and that would make me grumpy because I would be jealous because I like chewing.

In other news I just got around to watching last weeks Real Time and “rapper” T.I.A. is the biggest dummy I have ever seen.  She gave the driest most boring interview I have ever seen about some cause.  I care nothing for this cause and never will because she delivered her message so poorly.

Today I obtained some Sriracha hot sauce from Jeff’s past.

I use a lot of hot sauce and I hate Wal-mart.  One day about a week ago I saw this hot sauce on the internet.  Jeff recognized it from the tables at a place called Murphys that he used to eat like 10 years ago.   He remembered it as awesome.  Sooooo we sent Kim to about 4 grocery stores to get it for us.  She did not find it.  The internet said Wal-mart had it.  So finally today Jeff and I went to the Wal-mart about a half an hour away.  It was awful.  All the people were sweating and angry.  Then when we found the hot sauce there was none of this there.  So we went to the ethnic food aisle because I have had success with the hot sauce found in the mexican section.  We found it in the asian section to the right of the mexican section.  We bought 3 bottles and went directly home.  I figured it would be so-so.  Boy was I wrong it is awesome.  I am in the process of trying it on everything in our kitchen.  God bless Sriracha hot chili sauce.

Today I am memoraling.

This is the best way I could think of.  This quilt will need to be washed.

In other news, there was no post yesterday because I spent all afternoon trying to evolve.  

I do not think I did it right.

I think MTV finally gave up today.

First I want to see the Grind.

Then I want to see Yo MTV Raps.

Keep Headbangers Ball that was reallllllly gay.

Then I want to see the same 5 shows produced for last years spring break 400 times.

Then I want to see Lovelines.  

And if it is not too much trouble I would love to see a music video.

If you can not handle all that at least some low end original programming.  Like Road Rules vs Real World or something.

But Star Wars on MTV?  WTF?

5/22/09

Reality TV vs. Rain.

It has rained here for like a week and it is supposed to keep raining for the next few days.  Without my normal twice a day walk and bird chasing all the treats are going to go straight to my hips.   The picture is what it may look like if it was raining a bunch of multi-sized Stans on Stan, Kim’s Bird that lives in my kitchen.

In other news The Ultimate Fighter sucks this year. 

In other news JT won Survivor.  I think the big story here was what a class act Coach was even with everyone picking on him.  He was a very entertaining character and I think he made this season.

In other news I am comforted by the face that Shawn Johnson won the dancing story this year.  After the Apprentice debacle my strong faith in the integrity of reality TV would have been shaken if they said an actor could learn all those dances better than an Olympic gymnast.

Today my typewriter broke

Today I played with a website that supposedly knows stuff.

Today I looked at Wolfram Alpha for some minutes.  It says I live 3 feet above sea level.  That could have been a lucky guess so I asked about my birthday.  It said nothing important happened.  I was somewhat insulted.  I gave it one more chance.  I asked how many things were named Princess Sparkle and how many of them had butts.  It had no answer.  Sorry website you are not useful to me yet, keep trying.  For anyone interested, there are 15 million things named Princess Sparkle and 74% of them have butts. 

5/18/09

Important information for women.

This does not look attractive.  They are trying to trick you. 

There is no reason to have bumps under your hair.  This would give the illusion that you have a horribly misshapen head.  You do not want that.  Then you could really overdo it like in the above image and go from looking like a relatively normal lady to looking like Chewbacca if he had just woke up then smoked a bunch of crack then went to bed then did all that over and over again for two and a half months then posed for an after picture.

Where is Princess Sparkle?

STAIRWELL?

I was under the blanket.  

Duh.

I saw this thing in my yard today.

This can not be good for property values.

The last episode of lost is on in some minutes.

I sure hope they explain the 4 toed statue.  I am pretty sure it is not me but I do have 4 toes on some of my feet.  I have 5 toes on some of my other feet though.  This is so confusing.

Joan Rivers Sucks. Sucks sucks SSSUUUUUUCCCKKKKS.

I watched the Apprentice.  I have not watched this show much before but I wanted to watch this season because Andrew Dice Clay was on.  I guess It is a good show because they got rid of a lot of the interesting people first and I still watched it until the end.  I guess Joan Rivers is a little more recognizable name than Annie Duke so It was a no brainer that they were going to find a way to hand her the win.  It was pretty silly.  Joan Rivers could not loose that last challenge no matter how poorly she did.  And she did poorly.     I wish there was some kind of internet vote.  The internet has never heard of Joan Rivers.  Annie Duke won in every way that was able to be measured and real and they said that Joan Rivers won everything that was subjective.  So Annie Duke got robbed.  Annie Duke should have won.

My garage is famous.

Someone scraped Hanna into my garage wall sometime before we moved in.  I have no reason to believe that it was not Hanna Montanna. 

We can put a man on the moon...

But for some reason we can not make mugs have handles that do not break 8 minutes after someone gives then to you.  The results from next years census are already in and 97% of mugs in this great United States of America have some superglue holding the handle together.  The other 3% belong to people who need to live a little.

 You know, the kind of person who saves the bubble wrap when they get a package in the mail.

Pasta

Today I went on a tour of a pasta factory.  The first stop was to look at this.  This is the machine that makes the salt that you put in the water before you cook the pasta.  I skipped the rest of the tour.

Leaks

Big news, some humps record leaked again.  It seems like every week a record or movie gets leaked online.  Why do people not understand they should not keep secrets from the internet.  The internet will find out everything eventually.  So in that spirit, my biggest secret:

Every time the Tv says Shia LaBeouf I think in my head that I better look because that must be a hot chick.  Then I look.  Then I am sad.

Boo

Today I made a picture of the cats soul.  Then I needed to go to the 7-11 so on the way I tapped the picture to Karen’s door.  That should be funny when she gets home and is afraid to go inside because her house looks more haunted. 

The cat hates balloons

I like wine in a box now.  Not so much because it tastes good, but because when you are done you can blow it up and have a balloon.  I like balloons because the cat is afraid of them.  If you put it in the same room as her she hisses and leaves the room.  Now all I need to do is drink enough boxes of wine to put one in every room in our house.  Then I believe the cat will disappear.  Then the Ewoks will sing and dance.  

Wolverine

Today I spent all day working on a motorcycle.  So as some after working relaxing I finally went and saw the Wolverine movie.  I give it 4 out of 4 stars.  The story was only so-so but he did not fight any tacos.  I hate when people are mean to tacos.

EYE YIE EI YI YI YI Yi yiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

This Cinco de Mayo thing just seems like an excuse to drink.

Oh, well.  I guess since my people are from Mexico it is okay for me to wake up with a little swine flu tomorrow if you know what I mean.  And by swine I mean tequilla, wink wink.

 

Medicinal Meth

Who is with me?

1. 1. It is proven to help truck drivers cross the country without sleep getting other medicines to other patients much quicker saving untold lives
2. 2.Known to cure swine flu.  
3. 3.It is proven to make kids better at sports.  
4. 4.Shinier coats for cats and dogs.
5. 5.You can get +/- 20 more miles per gallon by adding one tablespoon per tank of gas.  
6. 6.Does not make you fat like stupid cookies.

So I think it is obvious, you either are a good person and want Meth legalized for medicinal use or you love swine flu.

Well, there goes my day.

Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends Marathon on.  Greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  Gotta go.

Shrimp.

Today I needed these shrimps to be warm for my eating enjoyment.  The grill is the only food heating device that I am 100% sure how to turn on.  I could not just dump the shrimps on the grill of they fall through and burn down there for an eternity.  Just like in the Bible.  

So I used the metal sticks I found in the drawer to hold the shrimps together in anti-grill-falling-through groups.  They worked, but I am unsure how I was supposed to  keep the metal sticks from turning into firey hot metal spikes of death.  I used pliers but I am sure that is not what I am supposed to do.  Anyway, I ate them.

This makes me uncomfortable.

Today on my afternoon walk the house down the street was covered by a giant plastic bag.  I put my Zippo lighter and a can of Aquanet and a can of Cold Steel’s new pepper spray, Inferno on my end table in case they try to giant bag my house next.  My first plan was going to be to melt the bag with the hair spray and lighter then go after the baggers with the pepper spray.  Then I decided instead I could pepper spray them before they got the bag out and then use the Aquanet to make my hair look awesome.  I like this plan better because it frees up the lighter for smoking or fireworks or arson. 

Scooby Doo was stupid.

Today I was thinking about taping the trigger for the gun attached to the hose in the sink so when someone turns the water on the water punches them right in the part.  This made me hum the Harlem Globetrotters theme because that song always goes through my head when I am being devious.  Thinking of the Harlem Globetrotters made me think of Phyllis Diller and I think I realized for the first time 

that Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers are not the same person.  

I know.

Imagine my surprise.