Scarfs.

I knew we had a scarf somewhere.  Jeff’s mom sent it to us some years ago because she lives where it is so cold you must protect your neck or something.  It has a football team on it and that is fitting because I think both football and scarfs are kind of gay.  Last year at this time I lived in Tempe, Az, where there was a superbowl football game.  This year I live where the closest football place is Tampa, Fl, where there is a superbowl football game in a few days.  That stupid game is following me around.

LISTEN UP SUPERBOWL, I DO NOT LIKE YOU. If you just happen to find yourself in the same town as me next year I am going to look into a restraining order.  Or at least start carrying some pepper spray or something.  

And for math purposes my neck is about 9 inches around and the scarf is about 58 inches long with out the fringey part and 64 inches long with fringes included.  And about 7.5 inches wide.

Half of cabinet makers are jerks.

I follow Jeff around a lot.  Sometimes he has headphones in his ears because he is listening to Chris Isaak and does not want anyone to know.  When we walk past the above style cabinet opener, found in the can, the wires get caught and the headphones go flying out of Jeff’s ears and bonk me in the head or butt, depending on which direction I am facing.  I do not like this. Then we walk past the style handle below located in our garage and no catching and no bonking.  I suggest all drawer and cabinet makers consider this before choosing the handles for their products.

music video to watch today

Big birds eat from big seashells

Little birds eat from little seashells.

D.U.I. you can not afford not to.

We were at a bar a few miles inland last night.  I ate some wings and drank soda.  I did not have any beer, but noticed a sign that said drafts cost 1.19$.  At the bars on the beach where we can walk to beers cost 2$ to 2.50$.  Drinking at the bar inland would save someone an average of 1.06$ per beer.  Couple this with the fact that the Florida website says the fine for a first D.U.I. is 250-500$.  

So if when you go out you drink a 6-pack you only have to drive home 40 to 79 days to be making money with your savings vs. the D.U.I. fine.  

So, what are the chances of getting caught?  There are 4 bars in my little town.  Conservatively, they get an average of 100 people drunk over the course of a night.  There are 8 more resturaunts that serve alcohol.  They get 20 people drunk over the course of a night.  And again conservatively we will say 75% of these people are driving.  So we have 2744 people driving drunk per week.  How many D.U.I.s per week here?  An average of 1 to 2.  Giving you about a .05% chance per week of getting caught.   This means you could drive drunk for 2,000 weeks or 38 years potentially before it is your turn to get caught.  Even if you say your luck is middle of the road you can go 19 years of driving drunk every night without a problem.  In that time you would have saved over 44,106$ to pay for the D.U.I. if you eventually get one.  And everyone knows that 5000$ is what it costs to have a lawyer get you off of a D.U.I. accusation.  The rest is pure profit.  So I think every one can now agree, they should change the sign to say “D.U.I. You can not afford not to do it.”  I also think there should be a team if scientists that go around and punch those Mothers against drunk driving ladys in the face.  

Do not take any of this as legal advice, I do not know if my math would hold up in court.  I personally do not drink and drive, but that is because I am a chihuahua and even me just driving would probably arouse suspicion.    

So I guess the moral of this story is, do not believe everything you read on signs.

Cereal Factory?

We can all agree that cereal is gross.  If it did not have such a strong association with milk it would be okay.  But I know where milk comes from.  And if you associate with milk in any way you are gross.  

But Kim eats cereal.  We would knock it the bowl out of her hands, but she gets up before us.  There is one good thing about cereal.  It comes with toys and Kim leaves the toys on the counter for Jeff and I to play with.  We found the above toy on the counter this morning.  We opened it up and found a step counter.  The step counter said 493.  That means there is a cereal factory 493 steps from my house?  

There goes the neighborhood.

Pretzels

I am going to try to make pretzels from scratch on our grill.

Coke Rewards me?

I do not know a lot about grocerys.  Jeff and I go to the grocery store sometimes and I stay low key.  The people who work there without ties generally smile at me and do not really say anything.  The people who work there with ties usually frown at me.  One even ask us to leave one time, but there are no teeth to their laws because Jeff paid for what we wanted and then we left just like we were going to anyway.  

One time I saw 5 minutes of the show where the wifes switch for a while.  One of the families said they were a sweepstakes family would go look through trash to find codes on garbage to enter sweepstakes.  That was weird.  

Then Kim brought home some soda with a code on it.  

We put the code into the Coke rewards website so we can be a sweepstakes family, but without the digging through strange trash part.  Here is my problem.

My limited grocery knowledge contains the fact that a foam can holding thing costs about the same as a 20 oz. beverage.  Coke wants 300 points for a can thing and 24 points for the beverage.

I guess my point is Coke would suuuuuuuuuucccckk if they were on  The Price is Right.

Lost.

Now that all the Obama the hump crap is over, America can finally focus on something that can help our economy.  That is the new season of Lost.  I have just about had it with this show, but I have to watch it because a few seasons ago they showed a statue’s foot for a few seconds.  One of the guys that saw it commented that he does not know which to be more concerned about, why it has 4 toes or what happened to the rest of the statue.  

They have not mentioned that foot for a lot of episodes since.  That makes me grumpy.  I am going to watch it, but if they do not explain the foot I am not buying any product that advertises during the show ever again.  

Unless they advertise hot wings.  You can never have enough wings.  I am going to go eat some wings now.

Obama dumbs up the country again.

Why on earth would he put his party opposite Tyra.  He has only been a celebrity for a year or two.  And Tyra is waaaay more qualified for her job.  It is settled.  I am watching Tyra and then going to the beach.

Today we were driving.

And a road raged black guy yelled at us.  I thought that was weird since it is Martin Luther King day and all.  

Speaking of fights.  Mark Coleman got robbed.  He did not defend himself all night, took some big shots and still kept taking that other hump down regularly.  Why after all that did the referee stop that fight with thirty seconds left in the last round?  Probably because the UFC will make a lot more off of the humps future career than Coleman’s.  I like to watch the UFC, I hope it does not inherit boxing’s flaws as it gets bigger.  

Speaking of black guys, is it tomorrow or Wednesday that Jeff’s motorcycle will apparently start running on hope instead of gas? 

oh dear

dumb video

Scott Weiland is good

This is the album I have been waiting for all my life.  It is like if Chris Issac and drugs had a baby.  I can not get any coaster work done because I keep listening to tracks one and two over and over again.  It is the perfect non-punk album.  Good songs then the Batdance then some more good songs.  Go. 

 

Geese are dumb

I looked into these stupid geese.  

One geese is called a goose.

Some geese is called geese.

Some geese on the ground is called a gaggle.

Some geese in the air is called a wedge.

This makes me grumpy.  I am calling geese geese.  I do not care where or how many.  I urge you to do the same.  

What was the reason dogs have tonsils?

I always suspected geese were up to no good.

There was a big plane crash on the news all day.  Jeff and I have flown a few times, I do not care for it.  Now we have to think up some emergency plans.

In a cold water crash I would freeze pretty quick so we are pretty much stuck with Jeff treating water one handed and holding me in the air with the other.  That or making a raft out of old folks. 

If it was a warm water crash that would be awesome.  We would need another raft, but this one would be for the booze cart.  Then Jeff and I would take turns bartending and doing canonballs off of the wing.  I love a good pool party.

Coaster work.

I started work on the new coaster.  This is going to be a good one.  Not only is it multi-level, but the shape is inspired by my head.  The only problem is that Jeff and I are going to try to build some stromboli type thing for eating.  That means there will be a 30-36% chance that the garage will burn down, destroying our work.  Cross your fingers.

My Blog has split. This is a test post for the new section.

I decided that I would split the blog as soon as it became 2009.  That way maybe I would eventually have a different tab for every year that I still love writing about hamburgers.  

That was the plan.  And surprisingly enough here we are only 13 days into 2009 and I remembered that was my plan and here we are.  This is the biggest change to the site since I took down the old videos because the one where I chased the laser pointer made me look like a dummy.  I bet I broke some things, but they will have to wait for tomorrow to be fixed.  Now I have to get back to my garage.  I have been spending every waking minute on a new coaster design.  Except for the minutes I spend watching MTV and VH1.  I need to study those show because I want to apply for that date the twins show next year.

Best Giant Novelty Check Ever.

I want to have a hip-hop dance contest with the cat now. 

Coaster attempt one.

I have sealed my first try at building a great coaster.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I have to spend most of the weekend now drinking various beverages out of various containers in various location.  Then I will compile a report on the data and look for flaws in the design.  It is going to be a busy weekend, but I guess Rome was not built in a day either. 

I like Howie Mandel.

If you are not watching his new play tricks on people story right now you need to see the doctor because you must have your brains in your butt.  If he blows up a rubber glove with air from his nose I am going to loot and burn the 7-11.  If he does the Bobby’s World voice I am just going to get a Slurpee.

Pink’s video for that song she sings is weird.  I think she is drinking and driving on a tractor and a motorcycle in there.

I wish she would have a superbaby with Howie Mandel and it would move in three or four houses down from me and drink and drive and play tricks on all the other neighbors and the cat.

screw you Tom Nook

Your houses are too expensive and you do not wear a shirt to work.

The greatest coaster in the world.

Recently I started to put my drinks on coasters.  It has become somewhat of a hobby.  This hobby did come with a downside.  I got a little disappointed at the lack of imagination in the coaster world.  I decided to start work on my own greatest coaster in the world.  Then I decided that was not such a good idea because there are not currently any really good coasters.  All I would have to do is make a pretty good coaster and it would be the best.  That was too easy.  I changed my mind and I now want to work on the greatest coaster imaginable.  I started on the first version today.  I went with a somewhat unusual shape for a coaster because I wanted to be sure that it would do some damage if I needed to throw it at a jerk.  I like the design so far but there needs to be some refinement.  After cutting the wood and doing some light sanding I glued and clamped the two pieces together.  I envision my final design either having way more than two pieces, maybe like twenty something pieces or being carved out of one single piece of wood.  I am not sure yet.  Boy was it hard to wait for the glue to dry.  Finally I took the clamps off and though about finishing.  I almost went with some brush on polyurethane, but I thought about it a little more and decided on teak oil instead.  It will take a little longer before I can use it, but It is worth it.  I love teak oil.  If I had hair that was a little longer I would probably try styling it with teak oil. 

Grumble Grumble

On a brighter note, I would like to thank Axl Rose for the free Dr. Pepper.  The stupid jerks at Dr. Pepper thought they would be cute and say they would buy everyone one of their crappy sodas if GnR finally released their album.  Ha Ha, they had to.

If we all were allowed to do our jobs this bad the world would be an interesting place.

I must have rewound this and watched it 5 times in a row when it happened.  These people can not count to 10.  I blame the producers.  If you are too dumb to count to 10 then you are probably too dumb to practice.  The producers should have called like a week early and said practice 1 to ten  for a few days.  Then halfway through the week called back and said “now I am going to conference all the hosts so you can practice counting together.”  Then like 2 days before they were going to count on TV, play them last years tape and have them practice with that.  Yes, I blame the producers.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iDjgpmhbbo

Birds still sit on posts.

I started a business for 2009.  This is how it works.  I will trade Jeff any of these devices for 2 treats each.  I am looking forward to a prosperous year.  If this works out I should make enough to buy a truck full of burros.  Then I can drive from town to town and sell them.  Wait, that was someone else.  Nevermind.

I hate bugs.

I hate bugs almost as much as I like the movie Groundhog Day.  I saw some ants in my drawer where we set our drink when we watch tv.  I wanted them gone so I got some goo you put on cardboard and then it kills them.  Then I put the cardboard with the goo on it in the drawer.  Then we played the waiting game.  This was yesterday.  Today I checked the drawer expecting to see some dead ants on the cardboard.  Then I planned on picking up the cardboard with a pair of needlenose pliers that are also in the drawer.  If you remember back to pliers week then you know what I am talking about.  

To my surprise there were no ants anywhere in the drawer alive or dead.  I am glad they are gone, but I am a little uneasy about what happened to them.  

I hope by striking them down, I have not made them stronger.  Like when Obi Wan Kenobi lets himself be killed by Darth Vader to be a ghost and help Luke in Star Wars.  

Best movies ever that I can think of right now:

1. 1.Club Dread
2. 2.Big Lebowski
3. 3.Star Wars Episode 4, A New Hope
4. 4.Groundhog Day/What About Bob
5. 5.Captain Ron/Three Amigos
6. 6.Anything with Patrick Swayze or Queen Latifah or Kevin Smith
7. 7.I wish Tony Danza was in some movies
8. 8.Die Hard
9. 9.Die Hard 3
10. 10.Die Hard 4

I other news, it seems like the drug store by us had a run on paper towels.

Hi 2009.

Champagne makes me breathe evil death fire.

The DVR is like money in the bank.

With it I have the option of watching The Music Of Seal On Ice now and El Gordo Y La Flaca later OR El Gordo Y La Flaca now and The Music Of Seal On Ice later.  I do not know how people got by before my hero and MVP of 2008, The DVR.  I can even watch Tyra twice in a row if the mood strikes me.

This year was exhausting.

The Mayor in Animal Crossing says it is New Years Eve.  

This Year my New Years resolution is to invent a flying car.  Jeff’s is to fly that flying car into a telephone pole.  

The cat’s is to continue sucking.  

Happy new year jerks.