Pic Unrelated

I think there is a thing called sprouts.  I have never seen them but I think one of the Fat Boys ate them to lose weight in the hilarious film, The Disorderlies.  

Friends=friends, Bromance=want to see each other naked. You can not fool me.

I was watching Made because watching those sissys makes me feel tougher.  Here is the problem.  It ended and the show Bromance came on and I quickly turned the channel but it was too late, my belt had already tuned rainbow colors.  

Call being friends being friends.  Or you are a gay. 

Few things in life are more important than a nice tan.

Naps are one of them.

Tony Danza is awesome.

I read in Donald Trumps book that he made his first million having individual window air conditioners instead of central air.  I hate central air.  I would like all my rooms to be different temperatures.  Everyone knows a kitchen should be 76 degrees and a Bedroom should be 82 degrees and a Nintendo room should be 81 degrees for sit down games and 79 degrees for swinging around games.  Not with this central air crap.  I get 78 across the board.  It just not right.

In other heating and cooling news.  I am pretty upset that Alannis Morisette wrote a record about Dave Coulier.  

You know where you find a picture of Dave Coulier?  

The black and white one came from www.canada.com 

Of course.

I will never forgive Alannis Morisette until she writes two albums about Tony Danza.  Tony Danza is awesome.

Happy B-day Jesus.

I got you a novelty over the hill hat because you are old.  Since you were not at the beach or 7-11 I had to photoshop up this artist rendition of you in the hat.  Where does your family and friends get like 2000 candles?

This is the year I kill Santa

Home invader Santa will be invading homes tonight and once again I am ready.  As you can see I am a very good actress.  I pretend I am sleeping as above until he sneaks in then BLAM shotgun blast to the face.  His beard is bullet proof so I have to be very accurate and make sure some of the blast goes up his nose, his only vulnerable spot.  Like the hole in the Death Star that leads right to the fragile exploding part.  I repeat.  If I see anyone kissing Santa Clause there will be problems. 

I AM THREE

I am three.  IAMTHREE IAMTHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I know what you are thinking.  And I have heard a a lot of people answer this question differently, but I do feel different.  At 12:01 I swear to God I felt a little taller.  Go figure.  

Anyhow I am three.  That is 21 in dog years.  

On a side note, Jeff and I believe there is no better smell in this world than a freshly cut lime. 

I AM THREE. 

Christmas is not safe.

This thing is supposed to be like bubble wrap that lasts forever.  You can just keep popping it.  I am not much for reading but I looked over this device’s paperwork for safety reasons.  I think there is more at work here than infinite bubble wrap.  If I stand on it it may cause serious injury apparently.  Kids are not going to read this paper and of course everyone stands on their keychains at some point.  What a sad holiday season it will be when so many people get seriously injured by this device.

And speaking of holiday seasons, I already have spies on various neighborhood roofs watching for that home intruder Santa.  This year I will catch him.

Birds sit on posts.

That is the good news.  The bad news is that no matter how much they sit there the Nintendo DS game called America’s Top Model is the worst game ever invented. 

Run, It is GARGAMELGIBSON !!!

He makes movies and tries to catch smurfs and says mean things about Jews when he is drunk.  And the movies are pretty good, but the rest of that stuff is not very nice.  Happy Chanukkah!

I almost had to build a country.

Jeff and I were standing at the counter today eating hot peppers and treats like we do every day.  But then something out of the ordinary happened.  Jeff noticed something.  You all know how we feel about cats, right?  Jeff looked at  the windowsill that we usually ignore.  There are a couple plants and seashells on it.  There was also a small statue of a cat.  It was about an inch high and appeared to be made out of some type of material. The caption said 

“MADE ENGLAND.”  And of course small statues do not lie.  Who knew that a cat made England?  Sure England is not the greatest thing ever with its stupid way of talking and crappy comedy, but still.  Cats still suck, but I was a little impressed at the cats accomplishment.  

Then, thank the good Lord I reread it a little closer and it actually says “WADE ENGLAND.”  I do not know why the hell someone would name their cat Wade England, or if it is a statue of a cat wading in some water in England but you are supposed to imagine the treading water motions and the water or what?  

So I guess my point is that art is stupid and dogs are still better than those lazy no country making cats.

God Bless America.

I am not sad for them at all.

I saw this morbid chart on the internet today.  Usually I do not care much for charts or death, but this one was interesting.

The people in the middle die from floods?  Ha ha, 5 hurricanes punch Florida in the face every year and you humps drown more that us.  Suckers. 

Speaking of death charts

I can not wait until the internet and Fed Ex team up and kill the post office off.

This actually happened to Jeff and I at the Post Office today:

Jeff-here is some card form my mailbox can I have my package

long pause

Lady-it’s still on the truck

Jeff-what does that mean?

Lady-(louder)it’s still on the truck

Jeff-(furrows brow)what does that mean?

Lady-(wild hand motions)it’s still on the truck

Jeff-are you going to keep repeating that until I go away?

Lady-(blank stare)

Jeff-what does that mean to me?  when can I obtain my package?

Lady-I don’t know

Jeff- you are awesome(leaves the post office)

I do not care that it is the holiday’s and she has a crappy job where old people weigh the pros and cons of the extra 80 cents for priority mail at her window all day.  

What is the speed limit? Cops know.

When are my taxes due?  The IRS knows.

How big does a fish have to be for me to take it home and eat it?  The weirdo that drives a truck on the beach knows.

But the post office has no idea when their employees are due back at the office. 

I got a chocolate cake in the mail today.

Ahsoka is awesome.

I have been watching the new Star Wars cartoon and Ahsoka is awesome.  I Thought I wanted to be like her when I grow up.  Could you imagine the damage that light saber could do to cats?  I can.

Then I did some complex mechanical calculations seen below and I will not stand for ear discomfort.  Soooooo I guess I have to wait until they make a bigger weird hat before I start to learn the force.  

Stupid dimensions.  Always ruining my fun.

Shamwow

I spill a lot of stuff so naturally I needed one of these.  Then I 

read the internet and they said I did not need one of these.  So what was I to do?  

I analyzed the commercial further and I had to trust the guy that says “if you are going to wash your cars or any kind of vehicle you would be out of you mind not to own one of these.”

I do not even wash cars, but he looked trustworthy.

I hope they work better than they look.  From appearances I got a big box of orange and blue felt.  I can not wait to spill something.  That should be soon.  I will let you know how they work.

On an unrelated note, I am going to see Her and Kings County tonight.  That should be fun.  I hope Brother Love yells Owwwwwww a few times.  I am not sure if that is how you spell owwwwwwww.

Fatburger Fatburger Fat Fries Fatburger

Fatburger Fatburger. Fat Fries

When you ask for one they all yell Fatbuger.  

I like these burgers but it is a bit unsettling that you can get an egg on your hamburger if you want.  I do not know if they know where eggs come from or not, but either way that is gross.

I like to go in the back door because the front door is more dumb and metal electricity boxes are comforting to me.

Worst idea ever.

http://www.youtube.com/user/sparkleisaid#p/u/3/9ZRT_NzNpQw


No wonder most cops are so mean.  Where is your self respect?  I like cartoons.  I feel that every cartoon character I know of could come up with a better trick than this.  How could a citizen ever respect a police officer that dresses up as an elf to try and trick them.  

Here is a better idea.  Stand behind a bush in your regular cop clothes.  Same result.  

Or try this.  Wear jeans and a sweater.  Same result.

The only reason to wear the elf costume is so the motorist is looking at the fat grown up elf randomly standing on the street corner and runs the red light while trying to figure out if you are retarded.  I hope someone distracted by you hits a minivan full of smart toddlers who would have gone on to cure bird flu someday.  And you, cop who wants to play in fairy tale land has to live with that until you die.

I just can not get why they would go so far out of their way to make fools of themselves when they could just as easily entrap honest citizens without making fools of themselves.

And the guy at the end needs to realize that everyone knows he has no idea what he is talking about when he says “probably” before his statistic. 

Just like fat guys fight cardboard.

I think my bed is haunted.

I did not sleep so good once in a while.  I have some theories as to what is wrong.  

1. 1.Kim using the snoozer alarm is disrupting my sleep patterns.  
2. 2.Allergies?
3. 3.Haunted bed.

I think 3 is most plausible.  

The guy at the bed store was very pushy about getting some waterproofing spray added to the bed for only fifty dollars.  We declined again and again until we told the salesman that if he said waterproofing one more time we would be leaving.

Salesmen are soooooooo stupid.  If he had sold it as waterproofing/ghost repellant we would have gladly purchased it for twice the price.  And then I would be able to sleep better.

This guy buys hot tubs.

He lets you know by putting homemade signs in front of gas stations.  What does he do with them?  Is there a big market for used hot tubs?  Not sanitary.  That is weird and that is gross.

In other gross news Oprah admitted she is fat.  Stop the presses.

Also I updated the pizza building page.

This guy wants Dodge boys and Chevy boys to bite him for some reason.

I am going to go get all Jeff’s American Apparel t-shirts and write “Hanes sucks” on one shoulder and “Screw you Fruit of the Loom” on the other shoulder.  The most amazing part of this story is that this is not the most silly car decoration we saw today.

Antlers.  They put them there intentionally.

The moon? In the daytime?

Today was like somedays when I can see the moon in the daytime.  It confuses me because I do not think this is appropriate.  Since there is no way of finding out why this happens, I like to rely on my personal theory that this happens on days when God forgets to take his pills.

 

Princess Sparkle can be found easily.

I looked up Princess Sparkle and it is listed 2nd on a Yahoo search and 3rd on a Google search.  I remember some company Jeff used to work for paid a lot of money every month for website optimization to raise their listing in search engines.  We would giggle at them privately because they could never get on the first page.  I have not paid anyone and I, seemingly by accident am in the top 2 and top 3.  So today I learned that what comes out of my brain is already optimized.  That is a good feeling.

Soreness

In our video game today called Age of Empires, Mythologies we helped direct some greek soldiers through the gates of hell to fight some monsters and save the world.  

On a somewhat related note, after lots of use, Jeff has become immune to Icy Hot and Flexall.  So we tried Tiger Balm today.  

This helped us relate to the soldiers in the video game because I imagine the gates of hell must smell similar to the smell of Tiger Balm.  

Come on.  You can not put some mint or citrus or something smell in there?  Work with me here Tiger Balm.

grrrr.

Today I was still mad about that hump John Travolta voicing Bolt.  Never has there been worse casting except maybe when they had that skinny dork play Darth Vader.  

On the bright side I saw the cat finally thinking about taking a shower after stinking for years.

I just saw Bolt.

Captain Ron is my favorite movie.  So this movie had a lot to live up to.  It was okay.  The action and story was awesome.  The one big flaw was Bolt’s voice.  John Travolta?  Come on.  That guy could never do a dog justice.  He is barely passable as a human.  Like 10 times Bolt said something and I should be enveloped in the story but all I can think is “that is not what Bolt should sound like.”  All I ask is that they redub all of bolts lines with either Martin Short’s or Kurt Russell’s voice.  Now that would be a movie.  Maybe two movies.  Do a G rated version with Martin Short and a PG-13 rated version with Kurt Russell where Bolt calls Penny’s agent a dick.

As is stands, this movie is worth the hour and a half if you are bored.  With my suggested modifications I really think it could win a gold medal at the next olympics not held in a communist country in the luge or biathlon events.

I had to put a lot of thought into today’s post.  Until now the only questionable language I have used is ass a few times and I think hell once.  After all the thought I decided I am almost three so I can say dick.

Kanye West Is a Hump.

He is a pretty cocky guy for someone that only got popular because he stole a Daft Punk hook.  On the bright side those really big SweetTarts that come 4 in a pack are awesome.


http://www.youtube.com/user/sparkleisaid#p/u/4/mQSDrp26ouY

This guy.

That is a mannequin head in this weirdo’s car.  I bet he does not date much.