Boy am I glad I do not have to wear shoes.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I think from some years of walking on the beach everyday and swimming in the ocean every day Jeff’s feet have evolved into big flat triangles like a pelican.

This makes his shoes not fit so good. 

They should make shoes like a boxing mouthpiece where you put them in some hot water then try them on and they melt and fit right.  I blame this all on nerds who should be doing things like inventing perfect fitting shoes playing World of Warcraft instead of inventing said shoes.  

Hi

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Going to sleep makes me mad a little bit.  It used to make me very mad.  I very much want to know how falling asleep works and feels but when I wake up I never remember how it happened.  This used to drive me nuts, but for some reason I care less and less as I get older.  I do not know if it is because I have other things to think about now or if my head is realizing that is a stupid thing to care about.  Either way I guess some day I will not care at all how it feels to fall asleep.  That will be nice.

In other news, today I watched 14 episodes of Alf and found 3 shark teeth.  I have had better days, but not many.

I stand corrected.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I used to not care so much for Hulu.  Then I found 

www.hulu.com/alf 

I have never been so wrong in my life.  There goes the weekend. 

I am very handsome.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Also this pier is very long and I eat little fish I think.  Also today is very hazy and I think peoples legs bend backwards.  But most importantly, I am very handsome. 

Loch Ness Monster secret identity revealed.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

RUN, RUN AND HIDE IF YOU HAVE A CAT.

I was walking and saw the Loch Ness Monster.  Nothing new, sometimes he hangs out on our beach on his way home from Cancun.  But then I took the photo I got of the top of Nessie’s head and ear and had an expert sketch artist draw in the rest.  Run and hide.  Your cats may really be baby Loch Ness Monsters.

Keys get people into houses sometimes.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

What is even weirder is that my belly smells different than my back.  I know they are both made of the same things because I only have one mouth and I am there whenever I eat anything.  My belly has little to no hair on it and my back has one layer of hair on it.  Sometimes my back points up and my belly points down but some other times they both point sideways.  But I do not believe that they have ever pointed forward and backward.  These are the differences between my back and belly as far as I see it.  Thank you for listening.

Truth in advertising.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I had a Dejorno pizza for the first time.  They say it is not delivery in their slogan.  They are right. 

The Lords Day

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I like Sunday because I get to watch Big Brother and True Blood.  Tonight on Big Brother they talked about Jeff’s Hawaiian vacation that he won for the 2nd time.  He chose this Hawaiian vacation over 5000$.  I hope when he gets out of the Big Brother house someone tells him a week vacation in Hawaii for 2 people runs about 3800$ these days.  So he could have went to Hawaii aaaaaaand bought a 30 pairs of Vans slip-ons.  

I will now be measuring all amounts of money over 119 dollars in pairs of Vans slip-ons instead of dollars.

And then I watch True Blood and there is a guy named Sam that can turn into animals.  I spend the whole hour yelling at the tv character that he should turn into a dinosaur and stomp the bad guys.  I know what you are thinking, dinosaurs are extinct.  I say if I can suspend my disbelief enough to think he can turn into an animal then it is not so much of a stretch that he can turn into an extinct animal.  

And even if he can not, a rhinoceros is not extinct and might as well be a dinosaur as far as I am concerned.
And boy could a rino stomp some jerks.

WWWWHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I think I heard somewhere that a lot of important influential people sleep with their tongue sticking out sometimes.

In other news, HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!

My blanket seems to have turned into quicksand. 

I AM THREE

Friday, August 21, 2009

So today we were hanging out in the bra section at a local store for reasons that are none of your business.  And there was some graffiti carved into a display rack.  I expected a swear word, maybe a drawing of some boobs but no, Just his name and age.  I like that idea.  Next time I am in a bra section I am going to find something to carve into and write PRINCESS SPARKLE WHITE WITH BROWN SPOTS.

Greatest idea ever.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Think about it, great name, Cousin Balki, and some one is going to mistake a walrus for a gopher?  Sign me up.

Then I started to watch it.  I made it about 11 minutes.  This idea seems to be better in theory than in practice.  I better get these results to the lab.

 

Today there was no rain in the morning.

August 18, 2009

And then in the afternoon there was a lot of rain.  Can you imagine that?

I watched an Emeril cooking story that was on the dvr today.  I dvr all things that talk about cajun cooking because crawfish are relevant to my interests.  He was making some mix of food and sauce that he was going to add some pasta to.  He added some of the water that the pasta was cooking in to the food and said that would make it better.  Then he drained the pasta and said to make sure you drain it really good and then mix it in with the food.  

Are you with me here?  Why is this hump trying to make me drain the pasta really good if one of the things in the food is pasta water.  

Speaking of food, I just saw a Long John Silvers commercial that says they sell fish tacos and they are only 99 cents.  This is both the best and worst news I have received all day.

Activist?

Monday, August 17, 2009

In other news I am mad at nerds.  They should have invented an internet by now that when I want some tacos I tell it and then they are there.

The internet can translate things

Saturday, August 15, 2009

el estupido gato negro

los cables que hacen que la wii hablar a la television

mi juguetes en mi juguete de almacenamiento

de contenedores

el perro guapo

In other news I would not be surprised if the translator is a trick and all of the above just say I am gay.

come out with your hands up.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I saw the guy on the real world and some cowboys and some rappers wear their bandana like this.  I tried it today.  It works.

come out with your hands up.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I saw the guy on the real world and some cowboys and some rappers wear their bandana like this.  I tried it today.  It works.

I could do without cantaloupe

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This thing is the stupidest round thing I know of except for peas.  I may have been somewhere where there was some fruit salad.  I love watermelon.  The stupid cantaloupe makes the watermelon into pink cantaloupe.  Die cantaloupe, DIE.

Last night I discovered that meteors are not real.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

We went across the street to look at meteors.  All I saw were some drunks and some teenagers smoking pot.  I think Ben Afleck just made up meteors to make a quick buck.

This bird is fishing

Monday, August 10, 2009

In other news if you are allergic to peanuts and you can not see that big word peanuts on the front and can not see the peanuts through the clear container and then turn it over and can not see the first ingredient is peanuts are you really going to read the bottom where is says be careful if you are allergic there might be nuts in here?  

I want a triangle toilet.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Today I found out that toilets are either round or oval.  But the one called round is oval but a little less oval than the one that is called oval.  Now I have to go measure my toilet.  Also toilet seats at Home Depot range from 5 dollars and change to 50 dollars.  That is too big of a range to trust anything in the real high or real low range.  

The point is, I am happy to introduce my new Princess Sparkle Glowing Toilet Seat Logo With Extra Lines Going To The Side To Show How Fast I Am.  I will use this logo every time I need to shop for a toilet seat.

In other news I went to the grocery store for some carrots.  I decided that I wanted some Red Vines because since Kim usually does the shopping and she does not understand big business she always buys Twizzlers.  Twizzlers are somewhat delicious but are not hollow enough for me.  Red Vines, now there is a perfect amount of hollowness.  I looked for a long time and could not find any licorice at all.  So I bought carrots and a box of wine instead.  So now when anyone mentions that store I will say that store drives me to drink.

It is sunday

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I hope everyone had a good time at church.

In other news I hope the person who invented album view on the ipod dies a horrible death.  Some times I may like to listen to music at something other than a perfect 90 degree angle.  When I try to mess with the song or album or something the screen changes to this stupid album view.  The bad thing is if I tilt the machine over for 1 tenth of a second it switches to this crappy view.  Then to get it back to a screen where I can control things I have to hold it perfectly upright for like 7 seconds.  This feature should be turned off by default because if you like this feature you are an idiot because it does nothing useful and you are a jerk.

odd shaped house is odd shaped

Friday, August 7, 2009

And it looks even more odd when there is a big tent over it.

big dog’s big head is big.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Jesus Lord Help Me that is a big head.  I am aware that in some circles my head would be considered small but I challenge you to find anyone that does not think that is a big head.  This dog seems nice.  I do not see him very often because I heard he keeps odd hours because he is a part time blackjack dealer down at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino.  I know what you are thinking.  That would be a really long drive for this dog.  But I guess he makes good tips and enjoys the work.  And enjoying your work is the most important thing.

Upside down Ketchup is upside down.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

At least we now have an openly racist and sexist bigot judge on the highest court in the land.  Racism is for black comedians and for drumming up ratings on reality shows.

Period.

In other news, I do not like when the ketchup is upside down because sometimes I wonder what the ingredients are and then I could build my own or what the percent of nutrition is in there because if I eat enough then I will be 100% healthy.

STTTTTAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Stan’s opinion of the Food Network is that they cook too many birds.

Boooooooooooooooooooo

Monday, August 3, 2009

Really Food Network?

Most annoying contestant on the whole show.

And by the way, If she is 40, I am 40.

And I am three.

Mango Tree

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Todays news is that everyone in the neighborhood seems to be waiting for this mango to drop.  I have personally witnessed someone try to knock it out with a bottle and a fishing pole.  I expect there to be a frisbee, a rake and a lawn chair stuck in this tree before it is

 all over.