Peanuts

Friday, July 31, 2009

I have a jar of dry roasted peanuts in front of me that is like 1/3rd that weird dry roasted peanut dust.  .I only eat peanuts once every 6 months or so.  .This must have been the end of a batch or something.  .All this peanut dust is making me uncomfortable.  .If I were the passenger in a car that was being driven 85 mph by a crazy person I would throw this jar of weird peanut dust at a speed limit sign.  .I am going to only eat peanuts once a year from now on.

Fun Tip: get some white spray paint, paint over the s and d on any speed limit sign, sleep a little better because some people will smile when driving past said sign on their way to work.  

Extra fun tip: Extra periods.

Texting while driving.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Things like this are why I try to avoid the local news.  

I am much less concerned about accidents caused by driving while texting than I am about the fact that the 2% of the population that are not sure if they are texting while driving are allowed to drive in the first place.  

I bet these two percent also have a turn signal on right now and have no intention of turning anytime soon.

True Blood Season 2

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I thought True Blood Season 1 was very good.  I do not care for vampires so much but this was a good story.  True Blood Season 2 is now halfway over and boy has it been slow going.  I hope some things happen in the 2nd half of this season.  So far it has been mostly some kind of epileptic witch and a bunch of people you do not really want to see naked doing it.  Even if some of the people are attractive they act weird and their eyes are all black and it makes me uncomfortable.  I do not like this story line at all.  Then there is Jason at the church camp.  This story line is almost as dumb, but maybe even worse because it is sooooo predictable.  

At least I know from the books that Jason and Mary Ann the witch thing will get married at the end of the season and then Mary Ann gives him a crazy witch STD and his butt falls off and turns into an alligator that solves crime during the day and at night restores old cars and motorcycles for fun.

Other than that the show is still good, I like Terry and Hoyt and Lafayette.  I just wish they would show more vampires moving fast and punching jerks.

Pawse

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I have paws.

In other news the remote control has a button that is pause but it sounds like paws.  

I normally push the pause button with my paw but when I am feeling silly I use more than one paw.  Then in my head I think I just pushed pause with my paws and then I fall off the couch.

 

Ted?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I have been watching the Food Network some lately and I believe this weirdo is on 70 to 80 % of the shows on cable.  

In other news these tablets cost 99 cents for 3.  I believe this may be another reason our country has money problems.  I do not believe you they can ship those tablets to the store for 33 cents a piece.

And what do people even do with paper anymore, what is this, 1992? 

OHHHHHhhhhh, look at me I am going to write something down on some dead tree parts squished flat like my ancestors did.

FFFFAAAAACCCCCCCEEEEEEEE

This is my face..

As far as you know.

In other news something about a barber in a village, I do not really know.

Statistics

I think that my pulse is the same as Jeff’s and my breathing is much faster. 

Coins in toilet seat=awesome, dollar in toilet seat=lame.

A bathroom that I have been known to spend some time in may be being redone.  Part of that process is to take the floor out and under that floor some awesome old bright blue sparkly tile may have been found.  I decided this is the best possible flooring for a bathroom.  

Toilet seats with padding on them are very strange.

I have always wanted one of those toilet seats that are clear and have coins in them.  The problem is putting dollars or silver coins in them is stupid.  I want one with all pennys so that it matches the giant goldfishes on the shower curtain.  Stupid quarters and dimes and nickels.

Cereal Killer was a stupid name for a record.

I have been watching the Dexter stories on the On Demand.  I am through the first season and second season and just starting on the third.  I usually think that serial killers and stories about serial killers are silly.  But I saw some ads for this one on Big Brother After Dark and it said it had Michael C. Hall in it.  

So of course I wanted to see the nerd from the Breakfast Club serial kill people so I started watching.  

It was good so I kept watching even though I guess that was a different kind of Mike Hall.

Oh well, It is still a okay story.

The Moon.

Today Rhonda asked if I thought the moon landing was a hoax.  Of course not.  Put on your physics hats folks, I will explain.  

I can not see Rhonda’s house from here but I have been to Rhonda’s house.  

I can see the moon from here so it musssssst be much easier to get to.  You do not even have to turn at all to get there.  You do not even have to go through stupid Texas.  All my exes live in Texas.

So there is the proof, If Jeff and I can go back and forth from Florida to Arizona a couple times around all those turns and then through the mountains in that New Mexico and I saw snow and then we get there then surely the government can get a couple of humps in a flying saucer to go in a straight line to the moon. 

This bird has wondering eyes.

But it gave me a helpful tip.  We all know some grumpy lady on Big Brother will use the term misogynist about one or more of the guys every season.  So this is what we do from now on.  When someone says that word, we just say Um, I think the right word for that is masseuse.  Then smile and pat the person on the head.  This will make smoke come out of the persons ears and you can use that as cover to sneak away so you do not have to talk to the grumpy lady anymore.

Thanks for the tip bird!

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE DEATH

I DO NOT CARE.  At least the Mike Jackson death let me laugh at the 400,000 or so morons that needed a Mike Jackson record the week that he died that did not need it before.  But Wally Cronkite and Fara Faucet?  and some guy that sold mixers? 

If you are watching all the tv coverage of these jerks and you are not these peoples friends and family you are a jerk.

Jerk.

Because of you I do not get to see coverage of the racist sexist judge that may actually effect our lives someday.  My grandparents tv anchor passing is apparently way more important that 1/9 of the highest court in the land for the next 20 or so years.

Big Brother 11 Spoiler

I just got off the phone with the top brass as CBS.  The motto from Big Brother is expect the unexpected.  As you can see, Julie Chen is knocked up.  The big unexpected surprise is that Julie is going to have her baby live on the show and it will be the 14th houseguest.  Then they have a time machine and the baby is really Kevin.  You heard it here first.  

In other news then I ate some fish.

The post is still boring.

I wish they would put up another sign already, I like the rusty post but the rusty post was better with the sign.  

In other news, I watched the story Chopped.  They give really uncharismatic cooks some random things and then the cooks sweat all over the set.  One time they gave them cheese, pickles, mud, pants, hotdogs, and cigarettes and one guy made a pancake out of that and the lady judge who is a real B word said it was dry and she wished she could taste the pants more.  It was the dumbest thing I have ever seen.  I set my DVR to record all upcoming episodes.

Holy Crap, I am a 3 year old 14” tall 8 lb. female dog and I can throw better than that.

So I propose that as part of one of the presidential debates from now on each jerk has to throw a ball or show us a note from his doctor so our great Nation is not embarrassed by this 4th grade girlness. 

 

7/13/09

Double U? More like double V.

So a W is obviously 2 Vs put together.  

In other news, there are some stingrays in my neighborhood and the sky is very dark to the west.  I like stingrays and dark skies.  

In not so good news I realized that I have a mouth that goes back the side of my head more than most mouths so I think that I do not have cheeks.  I do not know what I would do with cheeks if I had them.  I am going to have to do some research on this.

I know your wife is ugly

but you are supposed represent me, please keep it in your pants in public.  At least wear sunglasses and look with your eyes, not your head.

Big Brother 11 starts tonight.

These are my predictions.

The guy above probably will not win because he looks like a hump.

The girl over there might win because she looks like Summer from the OC with stupid hair.

That is all.

Recipie

Ingredients:

dog

2 pillows

balance

Instructions:

self explanatory

Result:

COMFORT SANDWICH!!!!

Weather

This is a little more blue than I like to get but it rained some today so I thought it appropriate to show you the funny picture of a weatherman I saw on the internet some time ago.

Cops

Today Jeff and I were driving home from a place and I saw a cop get very mad.  Driver 1 was passing driver 2 when he must have saw the police car in his rear view mirror.  He slowed down to the speed limit which was about what driver 2 was doing.  I was doing about the speed limit, 35 mph, a few car lengths behind driver 2.  The policeman was going pretty fast until he got caught behind these two cars both going the speed limit.  He got verrrrry close to driver 1.  We closed the gap between us and driver 2 so we could see the cop clenching the steering wheel and mumbling angrily.  Having the cop’s bumper about 2 feet away from driver 1’s bumper must have made driver 1 uncomfortable because he kicked it up to 36 or 37 miles per hour and slowly started to pull away from driver 2.  I expected driver 1 to get a little bit ahead of driver 2 then pull into our lane.  But he did not have time as soon as there was a tiny gap the cop cut off driver 2 and sped off causing driver 2 to slam on his brakes and kill us all.  Okay, we did not die, but we had to slam on out brakes also which is almost as bad.  

If the laws are there to keep us safe then why do the cops not obey them?  I know, because the laws like speeding and dui are really there just to make money.  All I am saying is the cops should do something at least once a week to keep America safe, like hanging out at McDonnalds for a few hours on a Tuesday and slapping cheeseburgers out of fat kids hands instead of making us slam on our brakes so I bonk my nose on the steering circle.

M Paws

What you gon’ do with all those treats? 

All those treats inside that bag? 

I’ma get, get, get, get, those treats, 

Get those treats by rolling over. 

What u gon’ do with all those ears? 

All those ears on my head? 

I’m a hear, hear, hear, hear the cat 

Hear the cat, hear the cat. 

Cos of my paws, my paws, my paws, my paws. 

My paws, my paws, my paws, my lovely lady claws. (Check it out)

Ohhhhhhhh, we have a stupid queen and talk funny...

This week I got highlights

with the help of these many foil packets.  Is this stuff supposed to be going into my brain?  It feels like this stuff is going into my brain.

They are not as bad as the post office but

it takes the folks at the drug store 12 minutes to count to 45.  This is not acceptable.  I can count to 45 in like 20 seconds and I am not even a professional counter like these humps.  I think we have found some of the waste in the healthcare system that is causing the politicians all the headaches.  If we teach the drug sellers how to count as fast as me we will save so much time we will not need all the new taxes the government is going to make us pay so pay for their less elegant solution to the cost of health care.