Football is fixed.

So here are step by step instructions on killing a ball with feet.

1. 1.spot from across blanket
2. 2.intimidate with a mupsidedown

3. 3.Death Blow-note intensity in eyes
   
   

4. Mourn death of worthy opponent

The only good thing about the superbowl.

I am glad I did not know this was on until after the super bowl.  If I knew and I were a gambling dog I probably would have had to placed a parlay on the Steelers and Satan.  Good thing because the Steelers did not beat the spread and I would have been out.  I still would not have watched the game mind you, just like the action.

Boy, RV sure was not a very good movie.

It is that time of year again.

I am almost afraid to go outside or some weird guy in really tight pants and shoulder pads might tackle me.  Shoulder pads were gay when Murpy Brown wore them and they are gay when grown men wear them and then bump into each other for a few hours.  

Scarfs.

I knew we had a scarf somewhere.  Jeff’s mom sent it to us some years ago because she lives where it is so cold you must protect your neck or something.  It has a football team on it and that is fitting because I think both football and scarfs are kind of gay.  Last year at this time I lived in Tempe, Az, where there was a superbowl football game.  This year I live where the closest football place is Tampa, Fl, where there is a superbowl football game in a few days.  That stupid game is following me around.

LISTEN UP SUPERBOWL, I DO NOT LIKE YOU. If you just happen to find yourself in the same town as me next year I am going to look into a restraining order.  Or at least start carrying some pepper spray or something.  

And for math purposes my neck is about 9 inches around and the scarf is about 58 inches long with out the fringey part and 64 inches long with fringes included.  And about 7.5 inches wide.

Half of cabinet makers are jerks.

I follow Jeff around a lot.  Sometimes he has headphones in his ears because he is listening to Chris Isaak and does not want anyone to know.  When we walk past the above style cabinet opener, found in the can, the wires get caught and the headphones go flying out of Jeff’s ears and bonk me in the head or butt, depending on which direction I am facing.  I do not like this. Then we walk past the style handle below located in our garage and no catching and no bonking.  I suggest all drawer and cabinet makers consider this before choosing the handles for their products.

music video to watch today

Big birds eat from big seashells

Little birds eat from little seashells.

D.U.I. you can not afford not to.

We were at a bar a few miles inland last night.  I ate some wings and drank soda.  I did not have any beer, but noticed a sign that said drafts cost 1.19$.  At the bars on the beach where we can walk to beers cost 2$ to 2.50$.  Drinking at the bar inland would save someone an average of 1.06$ per beer.  Couple this with the fact that the Florida website says the fine for a first D.U.I. is 250-500$.  

So if when you go out you drink a 6-pack you only have to drive home 40 to 79 days to be making money with your savings vs. the D.U.I. fine.  

So, what are the chances of getting caught?  There are 4 bars in my little town.  Conservatively, they get an average of 100 people drunk over the course of a night.  There are 8 more resturaunts that serve alcohol.  They get 20 people drunk over the course of a night.  And again conservatively we will say 75% of these people are driving.  So we have 2744 people driving drunk per week.  How many D.U.I.s per week here?  An average of 1 to 2.  Giving you about a .05% chance per week of getting caught.   This means you could drive drunk for 2,000 weeks or 38 years potentially before it is your turn to get caught.  Even if you say your luck is middle of the road you can go 19 years of driving drunk every night without a problem.  In that time you would have saved over 44,106$ to pay for the D.U.I. if you eventually get one.  And everyone knows that 5000$ is what it costs to have a lawyer get you off of a D.U.I. accusation.  The rest is pure profit.  So I think every one can now agree, they should change the sign to say “D.U.I. You can not afford not to do it.”  I also think there should be a team if scientists that go around and punch those Mothers against drunk driving ladys in the face.  

Do not take any of this as legal advice, I do not know if my math would hold up in court.  I personally do not drink and drive, but that is because I am a chihuahua and even me just driving would probably arouse suspicion.    

So I guess the moral of this story is, do not believe everything you read on signs.

Cereal Factory?

We can all agree that cereal is gross.  If it did not have such a strong association with milk it would be okay.  But I know where milk comes from.  And if you associate with milk in any way you are gross.  

But Kim eats cereal.  We would knock it the bowl out of her hands, but she gets up before us.  There is one good thing about cereal.  It comes with toys and Kim leaves the toys on the counter for Jeff and I to play with.  We found the above toy on the counter this morning.  We opened it up and found a step counter.  The step counter said 493.  That means there is a cereal factory 493 steps from my house?  

There goes the neighborhood.

Pretzels

I am going to try to make pretzels from scratch on our grill.

Coke Rewards me?

I do not know a lot about grocerys.  Jeff and I go to the grocery store sometimes and I stay low key.  The people who work there without ties generally smile at me and do not really say anything.  The people who work there with ties usually frown at me.  One even ask us to leave one time, but there are no teeth to their laws because Jeff paid for what we wanted and then we left just like we were going to anyway.  

One time I saw 5 minutes of the show where the wifes switch for a while.  One of the families said they were a sweepstakes family would go look through trash to find codes on garbage to enter sweepstakes.  That was weird.  

Then Kim brought home some soda with a code on it.  

We put the code into the Coke rewards website so we can be a sweepstakes family, but without the digging through strange trash part.  Here is my problem.

My limited grocery knowledge contains the fact that a foam can holding thing costs about the same as a 20 oz. beverage.  Coke wants 300 points for a can thing and 24 points for the beverage.

I guess my point is Coke would suuuuuuuuuucccckk if they were on  The Price is Right.